


awake o sleeper

by withredhair



Category: Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fix-It, Post-Season/Series 04, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Resurrection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:33:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22348012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withredhair/pseuds/withredhair
Summary: Logan Echolls wakes up on the sidewalk outside their apartment, still in his wedding suit. The car is nowhere to be found.
Relationships: Logan Echolls/Veronica Mars
Comments: 274
Kudos: 185





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [longing will snag itself on the reeds](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4677425) by [insanetwin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/insanetwin/pseuds/insanetwin). 



> This is my first attempt at Veronica Mars fanfic. I still refuse to see season 4 so I apologize for any errors. Inspired by insanetwin's awesome "longing will snag itself on the reeds". If you're a Once Upon a Time fan, go check it out!

Logan Echolls wakes up on the sidewalk outside their apartment, still in his wedding suit. The car is nowhere to be found.

Pulling himself into a seated position, he blinks in confusion, scanning the street for answers, people, their missing car- but it remains deserted. The last thing he remembers is getting inside the driver’s side door, hoping to avoid a ticket. Was he carjacked somehow, knocked out and left on the street?

That doesn’t seem quite right; a quick examination of his head reveals no bumps or bruises, and he doesn’t _feel_ injured. In fact, he feels strangely energized, like he’s just woken up from a long and satisfying nap.

Whatever happened, it can’t have been too long ago. If he was still gone when she got out of the shower, his wife (he still gets a giddy thrill every time he thinks the words) would go looking for him, and there’s no way she would leave him passed out defenseless on the sidewalk. Unless she were really pissed, that is. But he can’t think of a reason why she would be, not today.

“Veronica?” He calls out, his voice strangely hoarse. It takes two attempts to get the word out.

No response. She must still be inside.

Skin crawling with unease, Logan stands and heads toward the door to their apartment building, jogging up the stairs in search of her. Veronica might know what happened- or if not, she’ll help him figure it out. There’s no one smarter than his wife.

As he gets closer and closer to their front door, Logan can feel himself settling, becoming calmer. Whatever’s happened, they’ll figure it out together.

But when he tries the door, the handle does not give way. Locked. He pats his pockets and curses softly; apparently whoever or whatever knocked him out had also taken his keys. Curiously, they’d left both his wallet and cell phone alone. Only after the car?

Logan puts that aside for the moment and raps his knuckles on the door. “Veronica? It’s me. Can you open up? I don’t have my keys with me.”

It’s a bit strange that she locked the door in the first place. He was only planning to be gone for five minutes, tops, and she was about to jump in the shower; he’d been looking forward to joining her there as soon as he’d moved the car. Still, it’s probably a good thing. He’s always urging her to be more cautious with her safety- and leaving the apartment door unlocked when you’re in the shower sounds pretty damn unsafe now that he thinks about it.

He doesn’t hear the shower running now, however.

“Veronica?” He knocks again, louder this time.

Still no answer.

Shaking his head, Logan takes out his cell phone to text her, but when he hits the button to turn it on, the screen stays dead. “What the-?” He tries holding the power button, to no avail. It seems to be out of battery.

“I could’ve sworn I had 80 percent left,” he mutters to himself. “Piece of crap.”

Still, a frisson of dread crawls up his back. One weird, inexplicable occurrence- or two, depending on whether you included the disappearing car under occurrence numero uno- was one thing. His phone mysteriously draining itself of battery at the same time was another. It _could_ be a coincidence, but experience has taught him that isn’t likely. If something seems too good to be true, it likely is, and if something can go wrong, it almost definitely will. Murphy’s Law: the Logan Echolls edition.

It’s just his luck that something this bizarre would happen on his wedding day- as if he and Veronica haven’t been through enough already. Still, he really needs her to open this door and reassure him that she’s okay. Her lack of answer is setting off his already overworked alarm bells and he can feel his chest getting tight with panic.

He raises his voice and bangs on the door yet again. “Veronica please open the door! Something really weird is happening and I need to see that you’re alright.”

The lack of response from Veronica escalates his worry to all out fear. Yanking out his wallet, he retrieves two paper clips and starts unfolding them into the necessary shape to pick a lock; between the Navy and his PI wife, he never goes anywhere unprepared.

Two minutes later, he meets success. God, they really need better locks on their doors. He swings the door open and finds-

Nothing.

The apartment is bare and empty, all their things gone and a layer of dust coating the floor.

“Veronica?” he croaks out, once more, but he already knows he won’t hear her answer.

He hovers, frozen, in the doorway for several seconds; then, jerking into motion, Logan tears through the empty apartment, methodically searching each room for clues, for a trace of their life left behind. The pace of his search gets progressively slower with each empty space. The dust settled over everything saps him of some of his urgency but not his fear; it sits in him now, creeping along his bones, turning his body cold and slow to respond.

How could this happen? What does it mean? His mind knows the answer, but he shies away from it. Maybe this is all some elaborate setup. Maybe they- whoever they are- have kidnapped Veronica and taken his furniture and his dog and… planted a layer of dust to fool him into thinking that time has gone by?

There’s no way that this all could have happened while he was passed out on the sidewalk.

Unless he’s been gone, gone for a very long time…

Kidnapping is starting to sound more and more like a viable possibility- with himself as the victim, not Veronica. Had someone tranqed him as he was getting in the car, or planted knockout gas in the vents? He didn’t remember anything like that, but it sounded just as likely as any other explanation. He certainly had enemies, and his career in intelligence meant access to a shit ton of secrets people would be willing to kill for.

Had he been held captive all this time, released back to the site of his capture once he’d given them the information they wanted? Why not just kill him? He didn’t have any memory of captivity or torture or anything like that- but sometimes the brain blocks out traumatic events or experiences. Shit, he’s going to need so many sessions with Jane when this is all over- whatever this is.

Logan likes to think of himself as pretty resilient; growing up with Aaron Echolls for a father will do that to you. He’s been tortured before, and he knows he wouldn’t break easily… but everyone hits their breaking point eventually. If they threatened Veronica- if he had real reason to believe her life was in danger and there was no other option- he knows he would probably give them whatever they want. His heart is torn just thinking about the scenario; part of him wants to believe he would do his duty and protect innocent lives, no matter the cost, but the rest of him is selfish. He knows there’s no higher cost than Veronica’s life.

That probably makes him a bad officer, but it’ll hopefully make him a good husband, and right now he needs to know, more than anything, that his wife is safe and alright. If he really was kidnapped, there’s no way she would let it go. Veronica is like a dog with a bone over your run-of-the-mill, case-of-the-week mysteries; the case of her missing husband, snatched away right before their honeymoon? He shudders to think the kind of trouble she may have landed herself in.

Logan takes a few calming breaths, centering himself like Jane taught him. To find Veronica and figure out what’s happened to him, he’s going to need calm and focus. The apartment may be empty, but he still has his wallet, his dead cell, and his wits. Priority one right now is to find a working phone.

First thing’s first- check with the neighbors to see if anyone will let him borrow one. While he’s at it, see if they have any information about what happened. If his disappearance is public knowledge, they might be able to fill him in on the broad strokes, if not the specific details.

The first door he tries is that of their elderly neighbor Pam; they don’t know each other well, but they’re on friendly terms when they pass each other in the hallway, and he hopes that she’ll be more likely to take compassion on him than a random stranger would.

However, the person who opens the door isn’t Pam- it’s a young man he’s never seen before. He looks around college age, and what Logan can see of the apartment through the open door backs him up. Gone are the quaint decorations of a little old lady and here to stay is a mess of epic proportions. The tenant looks him up and down with annoyance and faint suspicion. Logan gets the feeling that jumping in with “Can I use your phone?” would not go over well.

Instead, he opens with, “Hi, I’m looking for Pam.” He doesn’t elaborate but instead waits expectantly for the other man to explain her whereabouts.

The kid looks at him with even greater annoyance but doesn’t shut the door in his face. “You mean the lady that used to live here? Sorry, bud, you’re a bit late. She moved out a while back.”

His stomach lurches at the confirmation of elapsed time- but he knew that already. Stay focused. “Oh, that’s too bad, I was hoping to get ahold of her. Do you know why she left?”

The kid looks a little uncomfortable at the question. “I don’t know, man. It was probably the explosion.”

Everything inside him grinds to a screeching halt.

“The explosion?”

“Yeah, you know the one. It was on the news, this married couple got blown up or something. They lived in this building.”

Logan can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe.

“The wife,” he chokes out. “The wife died? Veronica?”

Looking discomfited by Logan’s intense reaction, the kid grimaces. “I don’t know, man. Just google it or something.” He shrugs. “Anyway, the old lady moved out when it happened and I got a great deal on rent. You could maybe ask the super for her new address.”

Veronica can’t be dead- he would know- she can’t be gone- Veronica Veronica Veronica Veronica…

Clearly finished with this conversation, the kid moves to close the door, but Logan darts out a hand to stop him, holding it open. “Can I use your phone,” he manages to grit out, mid panic attack. It’s less of a question and more of a demand.

The kid looks like he’s about to refuse so Logan follows up with a desperate “ _please_.” Perhaps unwilling to upset the slightly unhinged-looking man on his doorstep, he hands over the phone.

Logan’s whole body is trembling. It takes him two tries to hit the button for an emergency call and enter the number he knows by heart.

The seconds he waits while it rings feel like an eternity. “Please pick up, please pick up…” he prays under his breath, but he knows it’s a long shot. Veronica’s not the type to trust an unknown number, generally disregarding them as spam callers. Sure enough, the call flips over to voicemail- no custom message. God he hopes this is still her number. God he hopes she’s alright.

“Veronica, it’s me, Logan. My cell phone’s dead so I’m calling you from a borrowed phone, but if you get this I need you to call back right away. I don’t know what’s happened but I just… I need to hear your voice.” He pauses for a moment, blinking back tears. “I’ll try again from my phone when I get a charge. I love you.”

Seeing that he’s done with his call, the kid holds his hand out expectantly, but Logan glares at him so fiercely he quickly retracts the offending appendage. Logan’s tempted to just take the phone with him and leave, abscond to find internet and a phone charger, but that would be a real asshole move.

Oh, who is he kidding? Once an asshole, always an asshole.

He turns abruptly to the kid and asks him, “How much for the phone?” The kid blinks in bewilderment. “How much money will it take for you to sell me your phone right now?” He wants to keep moving, keep gathering information, but if Veronica called back at this number after he was already gone, he would never forgive himself.

“Dude, it’s not for sale!”

“Dude, everything’s for sale,” Logan retorts cynically. “How much?” He’s trying to be better about his wealth and privilege than when he was a selfish teenager, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He’s not going to let a little thing like politeness stand between him and Veronica.

“Uh… 2,000.” The kid clearly tosses a number out there almost at random, surely far more than the phone is worth. It looks like the latest model Logan can remember, which at this point is likely hopelessly out of date.

“Done,” he immediately replies, leaving the kid gaping. He’d clearly been playing along, hoping to get rid of him.

Logan opens his wallet and finds only 500 dollars inside. He takes out four of the five hundred and hands it over, leaving the rest for himself as emergency cash. “Passcode?”

The kid looks between the cash in his hand and the phone in Logan’s. “This isn’t 2,000 dollars,” he protests.

“You’re right,” Logan confirms in an overly serious tone. “Since you’re so good at counting, maybe you could teach me sometime.” He takes off at a jog, heading for the street. “I owe you the rest!” He makes a mental note to return when things have settled down. He might be an asshole, but he doesn’t intend to just rob the guy.

Upon reaching the street, he needs to make a decision. What’s the fastest way to get to civilization? A phone charger is his next priority- it would solve two birds with one stone- but failing that, he needs to find internet access somehow.

A sick feeling has taken root at the pit of his stomach, ever since he heard about the alleged explosion, and if he stops for a moving for a moment he won’t be able to get back up. If Veronica is dead… that will be the end of him too. The thought is too horrible to contemplate; he keeps backing away from it, then swinging back around to poke at it like a sore tooth. Except instead of a sore tooth it’s a massive executioner’s axe hanging over his neck, and every time he thinks the words _what if she’s dead_ , the rope holding it up frays a little bit more.

As if responding to his churning thoughts, the phone in his hand rings, interrupting his indecision. Logan stares at it for a split-second before nearly giving himself whiplash in his haste to pick up. “Veronica?”

“Who the fuck is this,” she growls, her voice filled with icy hatred like he’s never heard before. He nearly collapses with relief. Veronica is alive. She’s alive, and he can make it through anything else.

“Veronica, it’s me, Logan.”

If anything, that only seems to enrage her more. “When I find out who you are, I am going to track you down and make you pay. You’re gonna wish you’d never been born.” The threat isn’t very original for Veronica, and now that he’s heard her speak more than a sentence, her voice seems almost… slurred? Is she drunk?

He speaks quickly. “Veronica I swear to you on my mother’s grave, I am not lying. It’s really me. I don’t know what’s going on but ask me anything. Or we can Facetime right now. Whatever you need, just please believe me.”

“Why are you doing this to me.”

This time her response scares him far more than anything she’s said so far. Her voice sounds flat. Dead.

Logan swallows, his heart racing; it’s times like these he wishes they used non-ironic pet names. “You’re scaring me, sugarpuss.”

“Why why why why why…” Veronica’s voice is low and still flat. She doesn’t even sound like she’s talking to him anymore.

Logan hits the Facetime button with a surge of terror, not knowing what else to do. Maybe if she sees him, if they see each other…

He waits with bated breath for Veronica to accept the call- which she does, after a few seconds. Logan breathes a sigh of relief at the sight of her intact and in one piece, but it’s not a very reassuring glimpse beyond that. Even through the phone, his wife looks haggard. Still beautiful- always beautiful- but exhausted and unkempt. She’s also staring at him blankly like she can’t comprehend what she’s looking at.

“Veronica,” he breathes. “I’m here.”

She remains frozen for a few seconds before quietly, tentatively- “…Logan?”

The relief that washes over him is intense. “Yes, it’s me, Veronica.”

Her face _crumples_. “Logan,” she sobs. She has to take a minute before she’s calm enough to speak. “How? How is this possible? _Where are you?_ ”

For a moment, Logan’s shocked; he’s never seen her this openly emotional. Veronica looks and sounds _wrecked_ , and it’s wrecking him in return. But then he thinks of his terror from just a few minutes ago, of thinking she might be dead. If that’s what she’s been dealing with this whole time, no wonder she’s sobbing her eyes out.

“I’m in Neptune, outside our apartment,” he dutifully reports. “But I’m not sure that how is the pertinent question- I’m still trying to figure out what happened in the first place. Veronica, how long have I been missing?”

Veronica stares at him in blank incomprehension once more. “Logan…” she begins hesitantly. “You haven’t been missing. You were dead.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm disregarding the "one year later" timeskip. also, pony is a girl, as per book canon :)

For a moment, Logan is struck speechless. “Dead? What you mean, dead?”

Some of that damned emptiness creeps back into Veronica’s eyes at the question. “I mean, you were… blown up. I felt the blast, I- I tried to get to you, but-” Her voice cracks and breaks; fresh tears slip down her face, which she seems not to notice.

Something about her words flickers at the edges of his mind, like a shadow he can only see out of the corner of his eye, that disappears when he turns to face it. A sharp sense of dread spikes through him, so rapid and intense he thinks he’s about to throw up or pass out- and then it passes.

This doesn’t seem like the kind of conversation they should be having with him standing outside on the sidewalk and Veronica who knows where, separated from him. Figuring out what happened can wait; right now he needs to hold her in his arms, and he can tell she needs the same thing.

“Veronica, where are you?” he asks gently.

“My-” she stumbles over the words, “My new apartment.” She hastily wipes at her face and stands, still holding the phone so he can see her. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll come to you.” Her voice firms up somewhat and he can see a familiar look of steely determination on her face.

Logan remembers the slur in her voice and winces; even if she’s totally sober, he doesn’t want her driving in such an emotional state. If she’s drunk, that goes doubly so. But telling Veronica she shouldn’t do something has always been a recipe for disappointment. “It makes more sense for me to meet you there… Somewhere we can sit and talk.” He carefully avoids the unspoken fact that their former residence lies empty behind him, bare of furniture, populated only by memories. A sharp ache goes through him at the thought; to him it was only minutes ago that they’d lived there, comfortable in their rhythms, their arguments and small joys.

Stubborn resistance crosses Veronica’s face for a moment before she seems to deflate. “Yeah, that makes sense,” she mumbles, rubbing her temple.

“Can you get me the number for a cab?” he asks her. “I’d call an Uber, but my phone’s dead and I don’t know the passcode for this one.”

Veronica seems frustrated by the request.

“You don’t know the address, you can’t call a car- I should be the one to come get you,” she reiterates, stumbling over her words a little. Definitely not sober.

“I don’t think it’s a great idea for you to drive right now,” Logan admits reluctantly. “And it doesn’t make sense for you to Uber over here then turn around and go straight back to your place. Just give me your address and a number for a cab and I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he promises.

As expected, Veronica purses her lips like she’s angry… then scrunches her face up and blinks like she’s trying not to cry. “I can’t just wait here and do nothing,” she says. “I need to see you.”

Her longing strikes a similar chord within Logan; they’re wasting time discussing this when he could be on his way there right now. “I know,” he admits. “I feel the same way. But this is what makes the most sense. Just get me the number and address and I’m on my way.”

Veronica nods tightly, then her focus shifts to her phone, presumably looking up the number for a cab company. “Okay, you ready?” she asks after a minute or so.

There’s no pen or paper handy, and he can’t take notes on the phone without unlocking it, but Logan’s memory is good enough to suffice. “Ready,” he confirms.

Veronica rattles off a phone number which he commits to memory, then gives him an address for an apartment in San Diego. He feels a twinge of something, he’s not sure what, when he hears that she’d gotten out of Neptune once more, though she hadn’t gone far.

“Veronica, I’m gonna need to put you on hold while I make the call.” He sees his anxiety at the prospect echoed on her face. A wild fear lights her eyes, like if this call drops, if the connection breaks, he’ll disappear again.

“Don’t hang up,” she demands.

“I won’t,” he promises in return. “I’m just gonna put you on hold for a minute.” He isn’t any more eager to lose this lifeline than she is.

At his reassurance, Veronica nods, biting her lip. Logan feels a rush of tenderness for her, her boundless strength and resilience; reluctantly, he puts her on hold to call the cab. As soon as he’s finished, he resumes the video call, and both of them breathe a sigh of relief.

Logan’s mind still clamors with unanswered questions, but Veronica looks exhausted and on edge; he doesn’t want to bring up any more painful topics until he’s there to hold her and reassure her with his touch.

She seems to feel similarly. Her eyes hungrily drink him in while they wait, occasionally asking some small question or making some inconsequential comment, just to hear each other’s voice as they reply.

Soon enough, though far too slowly for Logan’s liking, his cab pulls up to the curb and he’s on his way to Veronica.

It’s a long car ride, around 90 minutes, to get to Veronica’s new place, and Logan eyes the borrowed phone’s battery with unease. The last thing he wants is for it to die before he reaches her, so they agree to switch back to voice call instead of Facetime in order to prolong its charge.

The strange energy that he awoke with, all that was keeping him afloat, has been sapped away by stress and panic. Logan closes his eyes and listens to the comforting sound of Veronica’s breathing as the car brings him back to her once more.

~

When they arrive at the apartment, Veronica is sitting on the front steps, huddled in an old sweatshirt of his. She jumps to her feet as the cab approaches, phone falling carelessly to her side. “Logan?”

The car has barely stopped moving before he is out the door and racing to her side. He sweeps her up in his arms and she clutches him so tightly it’s a little difficult to breathe. Veronica’s breath comes in short, sharp gasps, and he rubs his thumb over her back soothingly, drinking in the feel of her in his arms at last.

She pulls back only enough to look at him, her hands moving restlessly over his face and body as if she can’t decide where to put them, how best to prove he’s there, alive, with her.

“I’m here,” he promises. “Veronica, I’m here.”

They kiss, desperately urgent and desperately sweet. He thinks he could have kept kissing her forever if they hadn’t heard the cab guy clear his throat behind them. “Not that this isn’t touching, but I still need to get payed.”

Logan has 100 dollars in his wallet and his credit cards have all been cancelled; as they discussed on the way over, Veronica whips out a card from her pocket and holds it in the cabbie’s direction without looking. As soon as he takes it, he fades into the background once more, until all that’s left in the world is the two of them.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Veronica whispers, on the verge of tears again. “You were _dead_ , you were _gone_ -”

He takes her hand and rests it on the curve of his throat, where his pulse beats steadily away. Nothing comforts Veronica more than evidence.

Sure enough, she breathes a sigh of contentment once her fingers find his heartbeat, and a load of tension drains from her. She relaxes into his arms, one hand still on his pulse while the other goes around his back to bring him closer.

Again the cabbie clears his throat. “Here’s your card. Can you sign-?”

Both Logan and Veronica draw back to glare at him for interrupting, but Veronica holds her hand out impatiently for the card, then stomps over to scribble a signature on the machine, keeping a tight grip on Logan’s arm the whole time. “Bye, thanks,” she grits out, and Logan manages a quick, careless wave before he folds his wife back into his arms, neither of them paying any attention as the cab drives off.

He holds her close and kisses the top of her head, reassuring both of them with their closeness. Veronica’s hair is slightly greasy, pulled back into a messy bun, and now that she’s in his arms, he can feel that she’s lost some weight, the knobs in her spine more tangible as he runs his hands up and down her back. Logan feels a sharp pang in his stomach at the signs that she hasn’t been taking care of herself ( ~~that he hasn’t been there to take care of her~~ ).

“Let’s go inside,” he murmurs when a few minutes have passed. “It’s cold out here.”

Veronica draws back immediately, her eyes sharp with concern. “Of course.” She leads him inside, up the stairs and into her new apartment. “As you can tell, it’s five-star quality.”

Glancing around, Logan sees that the inside is cramped and rather drab. Someone has tried to spruce up the place with a potted plant, but it almost looks out of place next to the dirty dishes and unpacked boxes lying around. The apartment isn’t completely terrible, but it’s a definite step down from their old place, and the mess is uncharacteristic of his clean-freak wife.

“Veronica…” He can’t keep the note of concern out of his voice.

“I just moved in,” she insists defensively, and Logan frowns.

“Where’s Pony?” he asks, glancing around the apartment, which shows no signs of a furry inhabitant.

Veronica shrugs, not meeting his eyes. “She’s staying with my dad for now.” At his unspoken question, her mouth twists up into a grim smile. “It’s a pretty bad idea for me to be the one to take care of her.” Rubbing her arms as if chilled, she casts a baleful look in the direction of the houseplant sitting limp and neglected on the windowsill.

Nothing about that reassures him in any way.

Deciding to let it go for now, Logan tugs her by the hand over to their familiar orange couch. _At least she kept **something** of ours_, he thinks, then chastises himself for being unfair. It just feels like everything has changed in the blink of an eye, just when they’d finally affirmed their commitment to each other, and now suddenly Veronica has moved on past him and left him behind. _It’s not her fault; she thought I was dead somehow… in that explosion._

It’s a disquieting thought.

“Let’s sit down,” he offers, pushing back his unease.

There’s a clump of blankets and a pillow piled on the one end of the couch, like she’s been sleeping there. Between that and the old sweatshirt of his that she’s wearing, he wonders if she did it to feel close to him somehow. The thought both touches him and feels upsetting in a completely different way from his thoughts of moments before- like touching the bones in her spine through her skin. He has no idea how long it’s been, from her perspective… Long enough to move an hour and a half away, apparently.

They settle down on the other side of the couch, clasping hands and sitting close together like they’ve done so many times before- their Serious Conversation pose. It brings to mind bad memories- their breakup the summer before senior year, Veronica confiding in him about Shelley Pomeroy’s party- but he wants to be close to her and he wants to see her face when they talk, so this is the best option.

“Veronica, can you tell me what happened?”

She takes a deep breath. “I will, but… Can you tell me your side first? I just… I need to know where you’ve been. I can’t wait anymore.”

As much as he wants answers of his own, Logan can’t help but be relieved by her insatiable curiosity rearing its head. Veronica wouldn’t be Veronica if she didn’t need all the facts before she was willing to spill her own secrets; it’s probably a sign of how shaken up she is that she’s waited this long to start interrogating.

“There’s not much to tell,” he acquiesces. “The last thing I remember is going to move the car for street cleaning, right after our wedding. I remember getting into the front seat… and then I woke up on the sidewalk outside our apartment a couple hours ago. Nothing in between. The car was gone and so were my keys. I didn’t feel injured or anything.”

Veronica’s face is white and attentive, her eyes wide. He can’t quite tell what she’s thinking, but her pulse thunders where his thumb rests on her wrist.

“I tried to get ahold of you, but my phone was dead.” He swallows. “Picked the lock to get into our apartment and found it empty. I… had no idea where you were. I was so scared something had happened to you.”

“Logan…” she whispers, squeezing his hands. She’s taken on the tender, protective look she gets whenever he’s hurting, like her heart is bleeding for him but she has no idea how to help. Just that look is enough to soothe any pain; her warm hands breathe life into him, let him know that he really is here, alive, together with the person he loves most.

He clears his throat. “Anyway, I borrowed a phone from one of the neighbors- apparently Pam moved out and some college kid lives there now? That’s the phone I called you from. He said that… there had been some kind of explosion. That a married couple that used to live there had died. I thought maybe… that was you.” Veronica inhales sharply; he rubs his thumb across her wrist in comfort. “And then you called me back, and I could breathe again. You know the rest; care to fill in some blanks for me?”

Veronica’s frowning, her mind obviously moving a mile a minute. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, as you can tell, I’m working on a dearth of information here,” he replies, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. “Just tell me your side of things, and we can work it out together.”

She takes a shaky breath and steels herself to begin speaking. He can almost feel her retreating behind her protective walls.

“It’s been seven months since we got married… Seven months since you died.”

A wave of shocked dizziness sweeps over him. It’s one thing to know, intellectually, that time has passed; it’s another entirely to hear how much.

Veronica plows past his surprise and keeps talking, like if she stops, she won’t be able to resume. “It was Penn… Penn Epner. He planted another bomb, that’s what the final limerick was about.” Her mouth tightens. “It was meant for me. He left his backpack… in my car.”

Another shaky breath.

Logan can see the story before him starting to take horrifying shape.

“I figured it out, you know.” Her eyes have glazed over with the dead distance from before, when she first picked up his call. “I figured it out with seconds to spare. I had just enough time to run toward the window, to call out to you-”

His entire body feels numb except where he is touching her. His head pounds like someone drove a spike through it.

“I was blown back by the blast,” she recites mechanically. “Onto the bed. At first, I was in shock. All I could do was lay there and cry. I knew, even then, that you were dead.” Her voice wavers. “But then I thought… Maybe there’s a chance. I didn’t actually see you get inside. Maybe you were alive down there and injured. Maybe you needed my help.

“I stumbled downstairs… outside to the street. I saw the burning car. And I saw… pieces…”

Veronica gags and rips her hands from his, fleeing to the bathroom. The sound of violent puking hits his ears, but Logan can only sit there, numb and frozen. It’s only when he hears his wife crying and struggling to breathe that he’s able to move, drawn inexorably to the sounds of her distress.

She’s bent over the toilet, sobbing and having a panic attack. Logan kneels beside her, putting a lid on his own feelings, and places a hand on her back. “Veronica… I’m here. Can you breathe with me? Listen to the sound of my voice and my breath.” He does an exaggerated inhale and exhale, holding them for several counts.

She doesn’t calm down, exactly, but seems to respond to his voice, so he keeps talking. “I’m here with you. I’m alive, and I need you to breathe. In two three four, out two three four. That’s it, you’re doing great.”

Veronica gropes blindly for his hand and squeezes it like a lifeline, her breath still coming in gasps but starting to slow somewhat.

“Breathe with me, Veronica. You’re going to be okay.”

He reaches over and gathers her into his arms, where she clutches at him desperately. After several minutes of soothing back rubs and deep breathing for her to imitate, Veronica gradually calms and goes limp. “Sorry,” she murmurs, into his jacket.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Pulling back slightly, Logan tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Her eyes are puffy and red from crying, and he can see the dark circles underneath from lack of rest. “Maybe we should just go to sleep for now. We can talk about this more later.”

Even now that he’s heard more of the story, the pieces aren’t coming together to make sense; but right now Veronica is fragile and brittle and just had a fucking panic attack so he’s not going to push her. Truth be told, he could use the rest as well.

She nods in agreement, reaching up to flush the toilet and pulling herself to her feet. It’s early in the evening but they get ready for bed, silently orbiting each other, never too far out of reach.

Logan strips out of his wedding suit and lays it over the back of the couch, silently staring at it for a moment. Conflicting thoughts swirl aimlessly around his head: earlier today was their wedding; they got married seven months ago; Veronica thought she was a widow; he is legally dead.

He touches his fingers to his neck to find his pulse, holds them there for a moment, then leaves the suit behind to join Veronica in the bedroom.

Their reunions typically include a lot more reconnecting-through-sex, but honestly they’re both too exhausted to do much more than fall into bed and cling to each other. It feels strange to lie down with her in an unfamiliar bed, an unfamiliar room, but he holds her close, cradling her to his chest where she can hear the steady thump of his heartbeat.

Within minutes, darkness overtakes him, and they drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read, commented, and reviewed. I was blown away by the response to this and you guys gave me the inspiration to keep going. I hope you all continue to enjoy!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for very brief but graphic violence this chapter.

Logan is on fire.

He has been on fire forever.

An excruciating wave of heat and agony passes through him, starting from below and moving slowly, inexorably up his body, smashing his bones, bursting open his eardrums and his lungs, slicing through him and shredding his skin and muscles and organs, setting him aflame. He opens his mouth to scream but he can’t move, can’t make a sound, can’t breathe-

Bolting upright, Logan wakes from his nightmare, heart racing and soaked with sweat. His whole body is trembling with tension and leftover dread. _What the fuck was that?_

Before he has a chance to calm his thundering pulse, a muffled noise catches his attention, and he looks over to see Veronica twitching and whimpering at his side, her face twisted with distress. It’s a night for nightmares, it seems.

“Veronica,” he croaks, reaching over to gently shake her awake. “Veronica, wake up, you’re okay.”

She jolts awake with a gasp. Freezes, staring at Logan hovering above her, her eyes as big as hubcaps. They hold each other’s gaze for a long, intense moment.

“You’re still here,” Veronica breathes, sounding awed. Not breaking eye contact, she sits up. Logan’s heart pounds, his body still strung with tension.

“You’re still here,” she repeats, this time with hunger.

And then they’re crashing together, kissing with feverish intensity. Logan pulls Veronica into his lap, and she happily goes, straddling him as she devours his mouth. He’s wearing nothing but his underwear, and the feeling of her pressed against him ratchets up his desire to unbearable heights. Suddenly the sweatshirt she’d worn to bed seems like far too much clothing. They break apart only long enough for him to pull it over her head, with Veronica’s assistance; then it’s back to their frantic kisses.

Logan’s hands sweep over his wife’s skin, cherishing the feel of her nearly bare before him. His thumb circles her nipple and she moans and arches at his touch. “Logan,” she gasps. “Need you inside me.”

Both of them hurry to divest themselves of their underwear, the last barrier between them. She’s soaked through the fabric, and the evidence of her desire makes him groan.

Veronica pushes him down onto the mattress, taking him in hand, and, still holding his gaze like it would take the end of the world to break them apart, sinks down onto him, enveloping him with her tight, wet heat.

Pure bliss.

With almost no foreplay or preparation, it’s a tight fit, and Veronica winces a little. But she’s so wet, it eases the way, and she seems determined to have him, right here, right now- no waiting. She takes a moment to adjust, then lowers herself further, squeezing around him.

Logan’s hands clench around her waist. “Jesus! Fuck-”

“No,” she replies with a smirk, “Veronica.” Her confidence is absurdly hot, echoing all the times he teased her in a similar manner, and he can’t help but kiss her as they begin to rock together, climbing towards ecstasy.

~

Several rounds of intense reunion sex later, they lay together, drowsy and sated. It’s still early morning, just after sunrise, and weak light filters into the room from beneath the blinds.

“I love you, Veronica,” Logan murmurs, tenderly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I love you too,” she replies sleepily. “So much.”

The words are still rare enough to light him with a warm glow; he knows they don’t come easy to her, even after all these years. But that just makes them even more special when she does say them aloud.

Logan shuffles closer, and she takes his cue, turning onto her side so they can spoon. He wraps his arm around her, holding her close, and presses a kiss to the back of her neck. Cradled together, they drift off once more.

~

Around mid-morning, Logan’s stomach wakes them with a sharp growl. Veronica blinks adorably, still mussy with sleep.

“Morning,” he says. Years in the Navy have made him an early riser, but he thinks that, between the day they had yesterday and their bad dreams last night, they deserved to sleep in. Hell, Veronica has had more than just a rough day; it’s been a rough seven months probably, he thinks with a pang of guilt.

“Good morning. You hungry?” she asks, rooting around for something to wear. A moment’s search digs up his old sweatshirt she was wearing yesterday, and she slips it back on, leaving her lower half bare. Heat flares inside him at the sight. Now that they’re rested and recharged, they could go another round, couldn’t they?

“I’m hungry, alright.”

His stomach growls again, as if in complaint. Logan sighs and admits that their next round will probably have to wait until after breakfast.

On their way to the kitchen, Veronica detours to the bathroom, where she pops a few Ibuprofen. “Are you sore?” Logan asks in concern.

“Just a headache,” she demurs. “Lots of crying yesterday.”

That’s true, unfortunately- though he doesn’t rule out the possibility of a minor hangover either. Logan lopes over to the refrigerator to scope out their options when it comes to food.

He frowns, looking at the meager selection. It’s mostly water bottles, with a few Tupperware containers and boxes of leftover takeout mixed in. _No wonder she’s lost weight._ The freezer isn’t much more promising; it’s empty save for a few microwavable meals and a half empty bottle of vodka. Not an ice cream carton in sight.

Logan vows to go to the grocery store at the first opportunity and stock up. A well-fed Veronica is a happy Veronica, and he intends to feed her until she loses some of that worrying thinness.

“Yeah, there’s not much in there,” Veronica says as she enters. “I was just about to go to the grocery store. Do you want to get something delivered?” She crosses the room as if drawn to him by a magnet and hugs him from behind; she can’t seem to stop touching him, reassuring herself of his presence. Not that he minds. Upon receiving a reassuring squeeze from him, Veronica lets go and opens the fridge. She grabs a water bottle and starts sipping at it.

“Ordering in sounds good. Anything specific in mind?”

“I want you to have whatever you want,” she replies, somewhat intensely; Logan decides to develop a craving for one of her favorites.

“Then how about Italian? You know some place that’ll deliver this early?” Hopefully she does; Mama Leone’s is Veronica’s ultimate comfort food, but, being an hour and a half away, they’ll have to make do with another restaurant.

Veronica scowls in determination. “If they don’t, they’re about to.” Taking another swig from her water bottle, she marches off to make the call.

Touched by her resolve, Logan grins. He pities the poor sucker who tries to stand in her way.

While he waits, stomach aching faintly, he finds his mind drifting back to his nightmare the night before. It was so intense, so real- but it’s only natural that he’d dream about it after what Veronica told him yesterday.

The explosion.

 _It doesn’t mean anything_ , he tells himself. _My brain’s just trying to process Veronica’s story._

Obviously he wasn’t caught in the explosion, since he’s standing here right now, completely unharmed as far as he can tell. Whatever happened to him over these past seven months, wherever he’s been, the answers lie elsewhere. Still, he decides not to mention the dream to his wife; it’ll only worry her.

Veronica reenters, interrupting his thoughts. “What do want to eat?” she asks, holding the phone to her shoulder.

“The usual sounds good,” he smiles.

Returning the phone to her ear, Veronica rattles off their regular dinner order. It’s a lot of food for what will probably be lunch by the time it arrives, but he’s feeling increasingly famished, and a few big meals would do Veronica some good. Between the two of them, they should be able to manage it.

Hanging up her call, Veronica informs him that the food should arrive within the hour. He leans in to kiss her, but she skitters back. “No way, I’m so gross right now. I need to brush my teeth and take a shower.”

Logan bobs his eyebrows suggestively. “You didn’t mind earlier.”

“Well, we have about an hour before the food gets here… You’re welcome to join me if you like.”

Logan enthusiastically supports this proposal.

The shower’s cramped and a bit difficult to maneuver in, but they make do. Even though this isn’t their first time making love since he’s returned, Veronica still stares at him like she can’t believe this is real. And if a few tears escape her while they’re joined together under the spray, at least she can blame the shower for the water running down her face. He doesn’t bring attention to her crying, just kisses her all the more tenderly and concentrates on bringing her off, showing her just how much she’s loved.

After their shower, Veronica digs up an old T-shirt and sweatpants for him to wear; apparently she kept a bunch of his clothes when she moved. His stomach is really starting to bother him, so it’s a relief when the doorbell rings with their delivery order. He hasn’t eaten since he woke up yesterday, and who knows when before that.

Veronica pours him a glass of water but instead of following suit, she reaches into the fridge and grabs another bottle for herself. “I don’t like the taste of the tap water,” she says, at his questioning look. He takes a sip, but it tastes fine to him.

They settle down at the table with their food- Veronica’s lasagna, Logan’s spaghetti and meatballs, and of course garlic bread to share (though judging by experience, “to share” often means “also Veronica’s”)- and promptly dig in. The food is good, still relatively warm despite the drive, but it doesn’t seem to be filling him up the way it normally would. As Logan eats, he feels his hunger slowly retreating, but even once he’s cleaned his plate, he feels an emptiness in his stomach like he still isn’t satisfied.

Veronica, on the other hand, hasn’t finished her lasagna. She made a good start but soon regressed to picking at her plate, and she only ate one piece of garlic bread. It’s half as much as she would usually eat, but if she’s used to smaller portions, it might take a while to build her appetite back up. He makes a mental note to ensure she eats several smaller meals throughout the day, rather than two or three big ones; that tiny body needs a deceptively large amount of fuel to keep running.

Finishing her drink, Veronica goes to brush her teeth while Logan packs up the leftovers. He’ll see if he can get her to eat some more later, maybe for a midafternoon snack.

They switch off, him going to wash up and her going to take care of the dishes, but soon enough they’re back together in the kitchen and it’s time for the conversation he’s been dreading. As wonderful as it’s been to reconnect today, as much as they’ve both needed it, it’s time to address the practicalities of their situation again.

The look on her face reveals Veronica has been thinking along similar lines.

“So,” she inhales. “Next steps.

“I think the first thing we need to do is get you checked out by a doctor. You said you feel fine, but we should definitely get confirmation.”

Logan nods. “And who knows? They might be able to find some clue as to what happened to me- any signs of recent injury or traces of drugs in my system.”

His hypothesis that he’d been kept unconscious or in a coma didn’t pan out when scrutiny was applied; after all, his muscle definition and ease of movement definitely didn’t track with the idea that he’d been immobile for seven months. Still, maybe his hypothetical captors had injected him with something that induced memory loss. If nothing else, they’d had to knock him out to redeposit him outside the apartment, and a cursory self-examination hadn’t revealed any head trauma or signs of a concussion. Maybe a doctor would be able to tell them more.

Veronica looks tense and somewhat dubious at his words but nods in agreement. “Right. The problem is, you’ve been declared legally dead. So we want to find someone discreet who’ll check you out without running their mouth. Next question is, who do you want to tell you’re back, and when?”

He takes a moment to consider. “Well, eventually, we’re gonna have to tell the government and the Navy, but they’ll take me in for debrief, and I’d like to have a better idea of what’s going on by then. Before we get them involved… friends and family. How’s Dick been since I last saw him?”

She winces. “Not great. He lost both you and his dad back to back.”

The thought makes him wince as well. “Yeah, I should let him know I’m alive soon.

“I would tell Trina, but I probably shouldn’t do that unless I’m ready for the general public to get an earful. And my Navy buddies… I don’t want to make them choose between our friendship and their jobs. I can’t ask them to keep something like this a secret.

“So, I guess that leaves Dick, Wallace, Shae, and your dad.”

“Wallace is great at keeping secrets,” Veronica quips. “Lots of practice. ...What about Mac? Are you okay with telling her?”

“Of course,” Logan assures her, a bit embarrassed he didn’t think of her himself. “She’s just been out of town for a while; I kind of forgot that she would know, even if she wasn’t in country. It’s a little weird to think about what everyone’s been up to… For me, it still feels like I saw them yesterday.”

A shadow passes over Veronica’s face. “Actually, Mac’s back in the states. She took a position nearby so she could be there for me after…” She trails off, biting her lip, then abruptly changes the subject. “About my dad… maybe he can help us find a trustworthy doctor. He’s helped a lot of people over the years; maybe one of them owes him a favor.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Logan agrees. “First Keith, then the others?”

Veronica nods but seems hesitant.

“What is it?”

“It’s just…” She hesitates, chewing her lip again. “Maybe you should be the one to tell him you’re alive.”

Logan glances at her, surprised and unsure. “Won’t that be a shock? Maybe you should break the news to him first.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Of course.” She runs her fingers through her hair, looking stressed.

“Hey.” Logan walks over and pulls her into his arms. “It’s gonna be okay.” He can feel her nod against him, bunching the back of his shirt tight in her fist. “What’s going on, Veronica?”

“Nothing,” she dismisses, pulling back to wipe briskly at her eyes before tears can form. “I’m just a little overwhelmed.”

He studies her face, unconvinced that’s all that’s troubling her. “Okay. But if there’s something else bothering you… you know you can tell me.”

She smiles genuinely, with shocking warmth. “I know.” Reaching up, she presses a sweet kiss to his lips. “I love you, Logan.”

“Whoa, now I’m really worried,” he jokes, but with an edge of truth to his voice. Veronica can’t hide the hurt on her face.

“Okay, I guess I deserved that.” She steps back, ducking her head. “I know… I wasn’t the best partner to you. The most supportive.”

“Veronica, no, that’s not what I-”

“Please, let me finish,” she interrupts. “I didn’t always treat you the way you deserved. And these past seven months… they’ve been hell. I kept thinking, why didn’t I tell you that I love you more often? Why did I always have to make a joke? I felt it all the time, so why couldn’t I just say it?

“This second chance feels like a miracle. And I don’t wanna spend it the same way I spent my last few, being so closed off and… mean. I don’t ever want you to doubt that I love you. And I promise I’ll show you that I can change.”

She has to stop because she’s getting choked up, which in a way is good, because Logan doesn’t think he can take any more heartfelt speeches from her; his heart feels fit to burst as it is.

“Veronica,” he chokes out, sweeping her off her feet and lifting her so that her legs surround his waist as he peppers her face with kisses.

“I love you,” he says between kisses, as he makes his way to the couch. “I love you; I love you.” He tosses her gently onto the couch and settles himself over her.

Veronica starts laughing, and happy tears spill over. “I love you too! I can’t believe you’re back.” She draws him into a deep kiss, and they get lost in each other again, savoring the joy of their reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was the chapter of sex apparently, but they did not want to keep their hands off each other! I initially only planned for them to have sex once but they kept surprising me. I guess they were upset they just went to bed last chapter without fooling around haha.
> 
> On that note, I apologize for fading to black most of the time; I’ve never written anything approaching smut before, so hopefully the little that was there wasn’t terrible. 
> 
> Thank you all for your continued support!! It means the world to me.


	4. Chapter 4

“How’re you feeling?” Logan murmurs, idly tracing his fingers down Veronica’s spine as they lie on the floor beside the couch. “Are you sore?”

She shakes her head with a faint smile. “Just a little... I’ll be okay.” Groaning and stretching, she sits up. “And we just showered!”

Logan grins smugly, rolling onto his back to survey his well-fucked wife. “Gee, sorry for getting you all _dirty_.”

Smiling fondly, Veronica shakes her head again. “You’re insatiable.”

“Excuse me, you’re the one that kicked things off with your heartfelt declaration of devotion. I was just over here minding my own business.”

At his reminder of their earlier conversation, Veronica grows serious again. “I meant what I said. I’m gonna be better this time around. A good… a good wife to you.”

She’s blushing furiously by the time she finishes speaking. Logan loves her more than he ever thought possible.

He sits up to kiss her tenderly, not a prelude to anything else, just gentle, closed-mouth kisses to show her how much he adores her- always has, always will.

“Thank you, Veronica. My sweet… little… wife.”

She pulls back to glare at him a little, whacking his arm. “Cut it out. Don’t tease me.”

“What?” He kisses her nose. “Are you not little?” Her cheek. “Are you not being sweet?” Her neck. “Aren’t you my wife?”

Veronica squirms. “I… I am. I’m your wife, and you’re my husband.” Still flushed, she pulls away and stands up. “But don’t call me ‘sweet little’ anything.”

“…Did that turn you on?” Logan watches her with interest as she starts to gather her clothes. Talking about their marriage certainly does it for _him_ , as does 90 percent of everything Veronica does, but she’d been so hesitant about the whole prospect, he really hadn’t expected that kind of response from her.

“No,” she snaps, blushing brighter and pulling on her bra.

He tucks that away as something to explore another time and goes to wash up a little, taking his clothes with him.

Once they’re both clean and dressed again, Logan makes a proposal. “I’m still feeling a bit hungry, and you didn’t finish your lasagna earlier… You wanna run out and grab some burgers? We can call Keith after we eat.”

Their lovemaking must have worn him out, because he’s feeling a bit low on energy despite sleeping in this morning, and his hunger was quick to return after lunch. Normally he eats a bit healthier, but he’s really craving meat right now.

Veronica frowns in concern. “Yeah, sure. You didn’t get enough to eat earlier?”

“Lunch was fine,” he reassures her. “But all that exercise worked up an appetite I guess.”

“Okay,” she nods. “Let me just grab my wallet.”

“Do you want to drive? Or do you want me to-”

“No!” she bursts out, eyes wide. “I’ll drive!”

She’s breathing in short, sharp gasps, suddenly strung with tension. Logan nods carefully, keeping a concerned eye on her. Did she just get triggered?

“Sure, no problem,” he says gently, reaching out to squeeze her arm reassuringly.

“I, um… Water,” she chokes out, breaking away to grab a bottle from the fridge and taking a few big gulps before putting it back inside. Her breathing slows and steadies. “…Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go.”

“…Are you sure?” It’s his turn to eye her in concern.

Nodding resolutely, she grabs her wallet and heads for the door, Logan following.

They take the elevator down to the parking garage, where an unfamiliar car awaits. Of course; their old one had been blown up, he thinks uneasily.

“Wait here,” Veronica orders tersely when they’re a short distance away.

She crosses the remaining distance and starts checking the car over. Checking for bombs, he thinks with a sinking feeling. Does she do this every time she drives, or is it just because he’s here? Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for them to take the car, if it’s just going to stress her out and trigger her PTSD.

“Veronica,” he says, taking a step closer, but she holds out a hand to stop him.

“Just wait a minute. Please.”

She finishes her examination shortly after. “Okay, it’s clear.” Despite her thorough check, she eyes him anxiously as he approaches the passenger side door.

“Veronica, do you want to just go back upstairs? We can get the burgers delivered.”

She sucks in an anxious breath. “No, it’s… it’s fine. Can’t avoid driving forever.” The thought seems to occur to her that she could send him back upstairs while she runs out and grabs the food; she eyes both him and the elevator speculatively as she seems to wrestle with which would be worse: letting him get in the car, or being separated for however long it takes to drive there and back.

In the end, she shakes her head. “It’s fine,” she repeats. “Come on, let’s go.”

He hadn’t anticipated any difficulty on his end, but now that it’s time to actually get in the car, something inside of him is rebelling. _Danger_ , it whispers. _This is dangerous._ The hair on the back of his neck is standing straight up.

_Chill the fuck out_ , he tells himself in reply. _You didn’t get blown up; this is Veronica’s trauma, not yours._

Taking a deep breath, he gets into the car where Veronica is waiting, staring at him anxiously. “Wait!” she blurts out. “Maybe you should wait outside while I start the engine.”

It must be Veronica’s tension that is setting him off in return; her instincts are usually spot on, but in this case, they’re definitely being clouded by trauma. “Veronica, you already checked the car. Nothing is going to happen,” he attempts to reassure her, but it doesn’t seem to work; she stares, unmoving, at the keys in her hand. Like Jane says, trauma isn’t rational. “Do you want me to check it over again? I have basic training in bomb recognition and disposal.”

He can almost see the response cross her face: _Then why didn’t you find it last time?_ But maybe he did, and he just can’t remember; everything that followed after he got inside that car is a blank to him.

Or maybe he was careless, blinded by happiness, and simply wasn’t looking. When you have a dangerous job, you sometimes expect to come home and leave that danger at the door- but life doesn’t necessarily work like that.

“No,” she says shakily, putting her keys in the ignition. “I checked it. It’s fine.” Screwing her eyes shut, she repeats the words. “It’s fine. It’s fine.”

There’s no way he’s getting out of this car. He doesn’t think there’s any real danger outside of Veronica’s memories, but even if there was, he’s not letting her get blown up any more than she’s letting him. And if she goes, he goes with her. Logan doesn’t think that thought would be particularly comforting to Veronica right now, so he keeps it to himself.

Turning the key abruptly, she starts the engine.

The car does not explode.

Veronica breathes a shaky sigh of relief, and Logan finds himself letting go of a bit of tension as well. Even if he knew rationally that there was no bomb, the little voice inside of him was still whispering its warnings.

They pull out of the apartment complex and head for a drive-through nearby, both agreeing by unspoken consensus that a short trip would be best. Pulling up to the window, they order and receive their meals- two sandwiches for Logan, one for Veronica. That sucking pull is back in his stomach, like he hasn’t eaten in days, and the smell of the burgers is so appetizing that Logan can’t wait until they get back to the apartment. He unwraps his sandwich and bites into it, moaning a little at the taste. So much better than the spaghetti earlier.

“Wow, you really were hungry,” Veronica jokes weakly, a note of concern in her voice.

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “Couldn’t wait.”

He feeds her a few fries while she’s stopped at a light, and they make good time getting back to the apartment complex. Veronica breathes a sigh of relief when it’s time to exit the car, a weight falling off of her shoulders, and they head back up to her apartment to eat.

Back in familiar, non-vehicular territory, well-fed and caffeinated, Veronica’s tension levels have dropped dramatically. She almost radiates contentment, smiling at him and touching him every few seconds. After finishing most of her burger, she seems happy just to sit and watch him eat, but Logan feeds her French fries throughout his meal, which she accepts cheerfully enough. Gotta keep his girl eating, after all, if they’re gonna build her back up to a healthy weight.

Logan cleans his plate and feels much better, but, worryingly, he’s still not completely sated. The hunger has abated, but he still has a curious emptiness in his stomach, a certain lethargy dogging him that abated with the meal but hasn’t completely disappeared.

Does he have a fucking tapeworm or something? His first thought was that maybe he’d been starved recently, but he doesn’t _seem_ to have lost weight, and his appetite hasn’t shrunk like Veronica’s. If anything, it seems to have grown; so maybe he was well-fed in general but hasn’t eaten in a couple days? Logan makes a mental note to tell the doctor when he gets checked out, just in case something’s wrong. He doesn’t want to worry Veronica, but if he continues to need food every few hours, she’s definitely going to notice; judging by her worried looks earlier, she’s already starting to be concerned.

If she asks about it, he’ll tell her, but he’s not going to bring it up. Two instances do not a pattern make, and it could be his appetite will settle down once his body realizes it has regular access to food. It’s only been about 24 hours since he woke up, and who knows where he was before then?

Things have been so hectic and crazy, it’s no wonder his body needs fuel; he’s just got to give himself time to adjust.

Logan’s thoughts of the doctor remind him that they need to call Keith and start informing the others of his Lazarus routine. Loath as he is to interrupt Veronica’s good mood, they should probably get on that, the sooner the better. “Hon, could you grab your phone and call your father? We should probably start letting people know I’m back.”

Her smile fades somewhat. “Right… of course.” With an ache in his heart, he watches her depart for the bedroom to retrieve her phone.

Although, that reminds him- his cell phone is still dead. Once he reunited with Veronica, he didn’t give it a second thought, but he should charge it and get it working again now that he’s thinking of it. Logan follows her into the bedroom, planting a reassuring kiss atop her head as they cross paths, and plucks his phone from the nightstand, plugging it in using Veronica’s charger. Reassuringly, it lights up after a few moments, so it was indeed just drained of battery, not broken.

It gives him the red battery symbol instead of bringing up his lockscreen, so Logan leaves it behind to charge and rejoins Veronica in the living room.

Now that it’s time to make the call, a bit of tension has crept back into Veronica’s shoulders, which makes him frown. Is this about telling people Logan’s alive, or is there some kind of friction between her and Keith? She dials and holds the phone to her ear, taking a deep breath; Logan squeezes her hand in support. “Hi Dad.”

She waits a moment. “Yeah, I’m okay… Dad, I have to tell you something… It’s about Logan.” She withdraws her hand and takes another fortifying breath, stepping a few paces away. “He’s alive.”

There’s a moment of quiet while Keith says something on the other end that makes Veronica frown. “It wasn’t a dream, I’m being serious...” Another pause. “No, I’m not-” She breaks off in frustration. “He’s standing right here, you can talk to him yourself.” Scowling a bit, she holds the phone out for Logan. Not exactly the introduction he was hoping for, but he’ll take it.

“Hi Keith,” Logan greets him, and gets a shocked intake of breath in return.

“…Logan? Is that really you?”

“In the flesh,” he confirms.

“How…?” His father-in-law seems stunned, like he can barely get the words out.

“Sorry for the shock,” Logan grimaces apologetically. “I thought Veronica should be the one to break the news, but I guess there’s no easy way to do it. Long story short, I’m back, we’re not really sure how… I can’t remember anything since the day we got married, but I woke up yesterday outside our old apartment and made my way to Veronica.”

Keith splutters. “Wha- Logan, this is incredible!”

He quizzes Logan on the basics of their situation while Logan keeps an eye on Veronica, who hovers slightly out of reach like she wants to eavesdrop but doesn’t want to be touched. After a few minutes, Keith asks him to put Veronica back on.

Logan goes to do so but is stopped by the sound of his father-in-law speaking once more. “And Logan?”

“Yes?”

“It’s good to hear your voice.”

A warm glow fills him as he hands the phone back to his wife.

Veronica takes it and paces away, listening intently and biting her thumb nail. “…Yeah.” She waits silently. “Of course… I understand… Let me check with Logan.”

Holding the phone down by her side, Veronica tells him that Keith wants to come over. “Yeah, of course he can come,” Logan replies. “But are you up for that? I know it’s been a long day already.”

Veronica hesitates. “…Tomorrow would be better,” she responds as she returns to her call. “Early afternoon? …Okay, see you then.” She hangs up, turning to look at Logan. “He says he’ll be here by two, and he’s bringing Pony.”

“Sounds good. Can’t wait to see our girl.” Logan moves closer to her and gently tips her face up so he can kiss her. Does she not want Keith to come because she’s tired, or because she doesn’t want to see him? The former is understandable; the latter would make him very worried.

Veronica relaxes at his touch; he circles her in his arms and she melts into the embrace, her tension draining away. “You doing okay?” he murmurs, gently stroking her hair.

“Mm-hm.” Veronica nods against him.

“…I love you,” Logan tells her, waiting despite himself for her response. _It’s okay if she doesn’t say it back,_ he tells himself _. She doesn’t have to say it every time._ Their talk earlier had spoiled him with verbal affection, and he craves her touch, her words, her presence during this stressful time, just as he knows she’s craving his, if their constant contact says anything about it. Still, he also knows how hard it is for her to be openly affectionate, and that she shows her care in other ways. One conversation isn’t going to change that.

Sure enough, Veronica tenses at the words, and he prepares for her to change the subject or make a joke. Instead, she swallows. “Love you,” she whispers quietly, and presses a kiss to his chest.

It’s an arrow to the heart.

Logan nearly bursts into tears, but instead he continues to stroke her hair, cradling her in his arms.

~

After a while, they draw apart and head for the couch.

“So,” Logan says as they settle down, Veronica curled against him. He doesn’t know how to broach the topic of his missing time with delicacy, but he wants to know more about his wife and how she’d spent it; her life these past seven months is almost as much of a blank to him as his own.

“These past few months… What have you been up to? What were you doing while I was gone?” He squeezes her hand to soften the question.

Veronica shifts uncomfortably, but her answer is flippant. “Oh, you know. Alphabetizing my bookshelf.”

He gives her a flat, unimpressed look at the dismissive response. “I’m serious, I want to know.”

Clenching her jaw, she pulls her hand away. “Well, the answer is ‘not much’.”

“Veronica…”

“What?” she explodes. “What do you want me to say!? That I was heartbroken? That I was just trying to cope? That I woke up every single morning and told myself, ‘I just have to make it through today’? Because it’s true!”

Helplessly, Logan reaches for her, but she leaps to her feet, furious tears shining in her eyes.

“You were gone, you bastard!” she weeps. “You left me! You left me!”

“I’m sorry,” he tells her, heart breaking in his chest. “Veronica, I’m sorry. I’m here now.”

Once again, he reaches for her, and she weakly bats him away.

“I’m sorry,” Logan repeats. “I didn’t mean to leave you on your own. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“You bastard,” Veronica chokes out between sobs. “You were gone, I thought you were dead…”

“Veronica.” He makes another attempt to hold her, pulling her close and squeezing her tight. She slams her fist against his chest, not trying to get away, just boiling over with rage and pain with nowhere to put it. “It’s alright, let it out. It’s okay to be angry with me, but I’m here now. I’m here.”

Veronica lets out a cry that’s almost a scream, digging her fingernails into his back so hard it’s painful.

“I’m here, I promise I’m here,” he vows. “I came back.”

She gasps for air, choking on violent sobs.

“Didn’t I promise I would always come back to you? Because our story is-”

“Epic,” she finishes quietly, still weeping but less intensely.

“That’s right,” he whispers, rocking her slightly. “Spanning years and continents…”

“Lives ruined. Bloodshed.” Her voice is dull as she finishes the speech.

“Epic. And I always come back, just like I promised you.” Logan draws back so he can meet her gaze, teary and reproachful as it is. “Veronica, I swear to you that no matter what happens, no matter what forces separate us, I will do anything I can to make it back to you. Always. Because you’re my home.”

She searches his face like she’s scanning it for truth- then nods, accepting his vow. “…Me too.”

As responses to love confessions go, it’s up there with “yeah,” but it makes Logan’s heart soar all the same. He’s Veronica’s home. She promised to always return to him.

Calmer now that they’ve exchanged vows, Veronica wipes her tears away and sniffs. “…Sorry I blew up at you. I know it’s probably not your fault.”

“That’s okay,” he says, caressing her face. “I’m glad you told me how you felt.” Then the rest of her words catch up with him. “…Probably?”

“Well, we don’t know what happened yet,” Veronica retorts. “I’m reserving judgement.”

Her words are distrustful, but her tone is light, almost playful. According to Logan’s finely-tuned Veronica instincts, she’s 90 percent joking. But only 90 percent.

He smiles fondly. “Okay, V. That’s fair.”

It’s neither of their faults, but they’ve gone through something that’s left deep scars, especially on Veronica; the only way he can completely regain her trust is with time, showing her that he’s there for her and won’t leave.

Logan’s willing to wait. There’s no place he’d rather be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are amazing. you're the reason this fic made it past the first chapter, and i hope you continue to enjoy <3


	5. Chapter 5

After her mini-meltdown, Veronica grabs some water from the kitchen to rehydrate. “Ugh,” she says, making a face after draining the bottle. “I feel so gross. I need to wash my face, stat.”

She retreats into the bathroom, probably looking for a few minutes alone, and Logan doesn’t try to follow.

Treating her like she’s fragile now will only upset her more; he has to step back just a bit, let her pull herself together and carry on. Shoving aside her emotions instead of dealing with them isn’t healthy long-term behavior, but it’s how she’s made it this far in life, and now’s not the time for him to go knocking down one of her coping mechanisms.

Because despite what she’d say, Veronica _is_ fragile right now. He sees it in her volatile emotions, her frequent crying fits, her panic attacks and nightmares. A whole untouched ocean of trauma is swimming underneath the surface of her skin, and his apparent death was enough to make it overflow. Now Logan just has to keep her from drowning.

He hears her banging around in the bathroom, presumably washing her face, then gargling mouthwash and brushing her teeth. After a few minutes, she reemerges, game face on. “Okay,” she declares. “I’m good.”

They head back to the living room, Logan watching her as they go. Her posture is looser, her movements more fluid- if a little uncoordinated. Something about it rubs him the wrong way, but he shakes it off. Maybe crying released some of her tension?

He doesn’t want to step on another landmine, so instead of talking when they reach the couch, they cuddle.

After some time has passed and they’re both relaxed, Logan speaks up. “Is it okay if I ask how long it’s been since you moved here?”

Veronica stirs at the question, making an unhappy noise, but she doesn’t pull away from him. “…About two months. Before that, I was living with my dad.”

Logan waits to see if she’ll elaborate, but she doesn’t offer anything further, and he doesn’t want to push her after her breakdown earlier. Instead, he kisses her head and lets the subject drop.

~

They greet the next day rested and somewhat recharged. Logan hadn’t wanted a repeat of the car-related tension, and they were both exhausted from all the stress, emotional conversations, and frankly incredible sex, so they’d ordered pizza for dinner and put on a movie for background noise, then turned in early.

Veronica had woken him in the middle of the night with another bad dream, hurtling upright with a ragged scream. He’d jerked awake, fuzzily panicked at the sound of her distress, but the sight of him alive and well next to her was enough to soothe her, and they’d been quick to drop off again, sleeping through the rest of the night and most of the morning without incident.

Luckily his own bad dreams hadn’t returned, but despite the extra sleep, Logan’s feeling somewhat sluggish this morning. His mind is sticky with sleep and his stomach hurts.

The fact that he ate almost a whole veggie pizza isn’t unusual, but the fact that he did so hours after eating two cheeseburgers and a full plate of spaghetti and meatballs and _still_ woke up hungry is extremely so. Logan’s starting to get really worried about his voracious appetite, but he’s not really sure what to do about it except keep well fed and get checked by a doctor as soon as possible.

Dragging himself to the kitchen, Logan helps himself to a few pieces of Veronica’s pepperoni pizza, the majority of which still remains. She’d eaten a slice and a half last night, avoiding the crust, but he reminds himself that she’d eaten a burger mid-afternoon as well, so the small portion’s not exactly worrisome. Small meals throughout the day, that’s the plan, and it seems to be working so far.

Stretching, Veronica enters the kitchen as well, giving him a quick kiss as she passes. “Do you want me to heat up some leftovers for you?” Logan asks, but she shakes her head.

“I got it.”

She puts a slice of pizza on a plate and sticks it in the microwave, then grabs a water bottle to drink with her meal. With all the crying she’s been doing lately, it’s good she’s staying hydrated.

“You mind if I grab one?” Logan asks, nodding towards her drink. The tap water’s fine, but a nice, cold bottle of water sounds like the perfect thing to wash down his pizza with.

“I’ll get it,” Veronica blurts, jolting towards the fridge. “I’m already up.” She reaches in and grabs one while he eyes her with suspicion.

“Okaaay…”

Crossing the room, Veronica does a deep bow before depositing his drink into his waiting hands. “Your beverage, Your Majesty.”

A small grin tugs at Logan’s mouth, despite himself. “What’s this all about?”

“Nothing,” Veronica says innocently. “I always treat my guy like a king.” She bats her eyelashes exaggeratedly.

“Uh-huh,” he replies, wryly skeptical. “What are you up to, Veronica Mars?”

Her face grows serious. “Maybe I just wanna show you,” as she gets to her knees, “how much I love you.” And then she’s kissing her way up the inside of his thigh and he can’t think anymore.

~

Veronica grins smugly from across the table as she enjoys her pizza. After the impromptu blowjob, Logan had been eager to return the favor, but she’d sternly pressed him back into his seat, wagging her finger at him. “Uh-uh. If you get me started, there’s no way we’ll be decent in time for my dad to get here.”

“I can be quick,” Logan replied, smoldering with desire.

Veronica squirmed a little, flushing, but held firm. “Later,” she promised.

The water bottle wasn’t all that cold by the time she’d gotten through with him, but he can’t say he minded.

Now he sits and watches the little minx as she contentedly chomps on her pizza and sips away at her drink. He’s so going to make her pay later- he’s going to bring her off over and over and over again…

This is not helping him calm down.

Glancing at the clock, Logan opts for a quick cold shower before Keith arrives. Veronica comes in and brushes her teeth while he’s in there, and despite their little interlude in the kitchen, they’re dressed and decent by the time her father gets there.

Soon enough, there’s a knock at the door, and they reluctantly get up to answer it. Logan checks the peephole to confirm- it’s definitely Keith- and opens the door for his father-in-law.

As soon as he does, he’s nearly bowled over by an ecstatic Pony. She jumps and licks at him, her tail wagging furiously as he kneels to greet her. “Hi baby girl! Daddy’s home. Did you miss me?” Her frantic face licking suggests that the answer is yes. Logan pets and soothes her, his heart melting at her enthusiastic greeting. It’s only been a few days, but he’s missed Pony; the new apartment feels empty without her.

When Pony is somewhat calmer, she trots into the apartment to say hello to Veronica while Logan stands to greet Keith. “I see I rate below the dog on the scale of who you missed most,” Keith jokes, his eyes wide as he takes Logan in- Lazarus, returned from the dead. Perhaps he’d talked himself out of his belief since yesterday, or perhaps it’s just shocking to have confirmation. Logan’s situation is bizarre any way you look at it.

“Aww, don’t feel bad,” he snarks lightly. “She ranks above most people.”

Keith studies him long and hard, his stare as intense and searching as only a private detective or a father-in-law’s can be. Whatever he’s looking for, he seems to find it, because he draws Logan into a hug, holding it for several seconds. Pulling back, he smiles at him warmly. “It’s good to have you back, son.”

Logan has to swallow the lump in his throat as Keith moves past him to where Veronica waits, hugging herself protectively and looking uncertain.

“Honey,” Keith says, opening his arms, and that’s enough.

Veronica’s face crumples and she flies into his embrace, the two of them clinging as she starts to cry. “Dad,” she chokes out, and Logan retreats to the bedroom to give them a little bit of privacy, Pony following him closely.

He tries not to listen to their conversation, relegating them to background noise as he crosses the room to sit on the bed. Pony leans her head on his knee, eager to be close to him, and Logan lavishes her with attention, scratching her ears and petting her thoroughly. In a way, she reminds him of Veronica since he got back, following him from room to room like she doesn’t want to let him out of her sight. His poor girls.

Now that Logan has a moment, he takes the opportunity to check his phone. It’s charged enough to properly turn it on now, and when he does, he’s surprised to see over a hundred missed calls and more than forty voicemails. Checking the call log, he sees two from Keith, the day of the explosion; a handful here and there from Dick; and lots and lots of missed calls from Veronica. The voicemails tell a similar story.

Still petting Pony with one hand, he puts the phone to his ear and plays one from about a month ago. “Sorry about the messages a couple days ago,” Veronica says into his ear. “I think I said some really stupid shit. That would be embarrassing if you were ever going to listen to these, but you’re NOT ever going to listen to these, because you got _blown up_ and turned into FUCKING pink mist.” The call ends abruptly, leaving her final words hanging in the air, echoing in his mind.

Pink mist pink mist pink mist pink mist…

The phone drops from his numb fingers as he concentrates on not throwing up.

_fire- pink mist- smashing- pink mist- bursting- pink mist- slicing- pink mist- shredding-_

Pony noses at his hand, whining in distress, then barks sharply.

Veronica knocks on the door but he can barely hear her, still tuned in to her voicemail message as echoes of his nightmare crash over him in shuddering waves. “Hey, you can come back now,” he hears faintly as she pokes her head in. “I promise all the mushy stuff is over with.”

Logan can’t bring himself to respond, can’t move his gaze from the blank wall before him. Words and sensations crash over him in a sickening loop.

“What’s up? You okay?” Veronica looms suddenly, out of the corner of his eye; distantly, Logan registers that she must have walked over. “Jesus, you’re shaking.”

Suddenly, time seems to skip and she is kneeling in front of him, warming his hands in hers. “Logan, listen to the sound of my voice. Can you breathe with me? You’re safe, you’re okay. Breathe in, breathe out. Can you let me know if you hear me?”

He nods slightly, and she exhales in relief.

“Good. That’s good. Thanks for letting me know. Now keep breathing, in two three four, out two three four.” Thoughts rise slowly out of the fog of his brain. Veronica is using the same techniques that he used for her the other day; it’s helping; it’s helping because he’s having a panic attack.

Veronica seems to remember what he’d done next, because she gets onto the bed and folds him into her arms, resting his head on her chest. Still whining, Pony joins her, leaping up on the bed and leaning her body weight against him. Veronica keeps up a soothing stream of commentary while Logan focuses on her heartbeat, strong and steady beneath his ear. Her arms encircle him protectively as she tries her best to calm his racing heart and stuttering breath.

It works; he can feel himself evening out, responding to the sound and smell and feel of Veronica all around him. “…I’m okay,” he says scratchily.

She seems relieved to hear him speak. “Do you need some water?” Logan shakes his head slightly.

“Can we stay like this for a minute?”

“Of course we can.” Veronica strokes his back soothingly while he reaches out and pets Pony.

“Good girl,” he whispers. Logan closes his eyes and breathes, enjoying the feeling of security that he gets from being wrapped up in Veronica’s arms. Then he remembers Keith still in the living room next door and hurriedly sits up.

“Whoa, it’s okay,” Veronica says, reaching her hands out as if to steady him. “Are you alright? What happened?”

Logan makes a split-second decision. “I don’t know. I guess this whole situation is pretty stressful… I just got overwhelmed.” His stomach churns with guilt at the lie, but there’s no way he’s going to say ‘I was listening to an old voicemail message of yours that you thought I would never hear, and it triggered me by making me think of the explosion I definitely wasn’t in but am having nightmares about’.

His wife’s face is protective and sharp with concern. “Is this too much?” she frets. “I shouldn’t have told Dad he could come. You’ve just been running around under all this stress, after god knows what… And I blew up at you yesterday-”

“Veronica,” Logan reaches out and squeezes her hand, “I’m okay. I just… needed a moment to freak out, I guess.” He smiles wryly. “You have to admit, all this is pretty bizarre.”

Veronica gives him a small smile in return. “That’s true. But it brought you back to me, so I can’t complain.” With that shockingly sweet statement, she gets to her feet, pointing sternly. “You stay there. I’m going to get you a glass of water.”

“Yes ma’am.” He snaps off a quick salute, and Veronica rolls her eyes as she steps outside.

“Veronica,” Keith starts forbiddingly as she enters the living room. “You-”

“Not now, Dad,” she returns sharply as the sounds of cupboards opening and water running reach his ears. “Not now.”

What was that about?

A few moments later, she reenters with a glass of cool water, which Logan takes gratefully. “Everything okay?” he asks her between sips.

Veronica smiles tightly. “Peachy.” Reaching out, she runs her fingers through his hair; distraction tactics- she knows he loves it when she does that.

Taking the empty glass, she sets it on the nightstand. “Do you want me to ask him to go?” she asks in a low voice. “I can talk to him about the doctor stuff, and you two can chat another time.”

“No,” Logan says, shaking his head as he stands, Pony hopping off the bed to follow him. “I’m fine; we should both talk to him while he’s here.”

Veronica studies him, in a similar way to Keith when he entered the apartment. The resemblance is spooky. “If you’re sure,” she concedes.

The two of them exit the bedroom together, hands linked, the dog trailing them like a shadow. She’s definitely not letting Logan out of her sight now.

“Everything okay?” Keith asks, despite the fact that he probably got an earful.

“Mm-hm.” Veronica’s forbidding look practically dares him to inquire further. Logan smiles at her protectiveness; he really lucked out in the wife department.

“Everything’s fine, thanks Keith.”

Keith stares at Veronica for a long moment, who returns the look intensely. Logan can’t quite read the look on her face. Pleading? Angry? Hurt? What the hell is going on with these two?

In the end, Keith sighs and clasps his hands. “Now that we’re all together, can you two give me a little more detail on how things went down?” Veronica relaxes minutely at his words. The two of them are definitely going to have a talk as soon as Keith leaves about what the hell is happening with her and her dad.

They fill him in on yesterday’s events, and he seems just as puzzled as they are at the mystery of Logan’s reappearance. “I’m assuming you did not, in fact, run away for seven months, then pop back up and claim amnesia when you changed your mind and wanted to come home?”

Logan glares at the suggestion. “I would never do that to Veronica.”

Keith nods. “That’s what I thought. And this wasn’t some super-secret military mission where they had to fake your death?”

Logan shakes his head. “Not that I know of. Although… I guess we can’t rule it out yet.”

“There’s no way you could have survived the explosion if you were actually in the car.” A shiver runs up his spine at the words, and Veronica sits still as a stone beside him. He squeezes her hand where it rests in his. “So if we’re working on a kidnapping hypothesis, the questions become who, why, where, and how?”

“Exactly,” Logan nods. “How did they knock me out and get me away from the scene? Where was I being held, and by who? If I wasn’t in the car, whose remains did Veronica see? Why can’t I remember anything? Why leave me outside the apartment? As far why take me… most likely they were looking for state secrets.” He glances over at his wife. “Veronica? Any ideas?”

She shakes her head slowly. “I’ve been asking myself the same questions, trying to make it work, but I just can’t. I know you’re here now and we should work backwards from there, but I- I just feel like I watched you die. It still feels that way, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t feel right no matter how I think about it.”

“Veronica…” He and Keith are probably sporting identical worried looks.

Pony whines and laps gently at Veronica’s hand, sensing her distress, and Logan draws her into his arms, but she doesn’t cry- just mutely wraps her arms around him in return. “It’s okay. It’s just gonna take some time.”

Veronica makes a noncommittal noise, and Logan meets Keith’s worried stare grimly. It’s like he decided before; all he can give her is time and his continued presence. The rest is up to her.

“There’s actually another reason we wanted you to come over,” Logan tells Keith, and Veronica lets go of him to speak.

“Right… Do you know of any doctors that maybe owe you a favor? Good, discreet? We want to get Logan checked out, make sure he’s healthy.”

“Hmmm…” Keith rubs his chin thoughtfully. “Let me see what I can dig up. I might know someone, but I’m not sure.”

“Great,” Logan exhales. “Just let us know when you can.”

While Keith’s here, he wants a chance to observe his interactions with Veronica a bit more. Even though it seemed like they would appreciate the privacy, he’s regretting stepping out of the room earlier; the tears and tender embrace are somewhat at odds from the tension he’s sensing now. Did they argue while he was in the bedroom?

“Since you’re here, do you want to stay for dinner?” he offers.

“Actually,” Veronica says briskly, getting to her feet. “I think my dad was just about to head home. It’s getting late, and it’s not good for the elderly to drive at night.”

…It’s barely four o’clock. The sniping is a little more mean-spirited than he’s used to from them, and Keith doesn’t smile or bat back an answering joke. “Veronica. You know that I know.”

Her eyes narrow. “I don’t know what you-”

“Yes, you do,” Keith interrupts.

“…Know what?” Logan asks with dread, looking between them, but Veronica doesn’t seem surprised, just angry.

“For once in your life can you just leave something alone? I thought we had a nice moment earlier, and then you go snooping around in my private life!”

“I wonder how many times I’ve said the same thing to you,” Keith replies sadly. “But you know why I can’t do that.” He gestures to Logan. “Either you tell him or I will.”

Veronica glares icily. “Get. Out.”

“Veronica, tell me what?” Logan asks urgently, but she ignores him, striding over to the front door and tugging it open.

“Veronica…” Keith looks weary.

“I said get out!!”

“Keith, what’s going on?” Logan grabs his arm, heart racing.

“Sorry, kid,” Keith grimaces. “I’ll give Veronica a chance to tell you herself. But if she won’t talk to you… give me a call tomorrow, I’ll fill you in. It’s nothing that can’t wait one more day.” Dropping his arm numbly, Logan watches as Keith heads slowly for the door, where Veronica waits, silently glaring. “Come on girl,” he motions for Pony, but she remains planted firmly by Logan’s side. “You don’t have food here, you gotta come home with me for now.”

Logan crouches to pet her. “I’ll see you soon, baby girl,” he whispers, scratching her ears. Keith doubles back and grabs Pony by the collar, lightly tugging, and she follows reluctantly.

“How could you do this to me?” Veronica bites out as they pass her.

“Honey, I’m doing this _for_ you,” Keith replies sadly, then continues on his way.

Veronica slams the door shut, the sound echoing in the silence left by Keith and Pony’s departure. She rests her head on the door, letting out a shuddering breath.

“Veronica…” The words feel like glass in his throat. “What’s going on? Are you… are you sick? Is it cancer?”

She whirls around, eyes wide. “What? No! Logan, no, I’m not sick, I promise.”

“Then what the _fuck_ is going on?”

She withdraws, crossing her arms defensively. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Keith seems to think it’s pretty damn important.”

“My dad likes to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“Veronica, you adore your dad!” Logan protests. “I know he’s not a perfect parent, but he’s always had your best interests at heart, and if he says there’s something I need to know, so badly he’s willing to betray your trust to tell me, then I think I really need to know!”

“No, you don’t!” Veronica shouts tearily. “Just leave it alone!” She stomps past him and into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

The room feels like it’s spinning dizzily. Logan doesn’t know how they went from Veronica tenderly soothing him in the wake of a panic attack to her screaming and slamming doors. Sitting numbly at the kitchen table, he lets his mind go blank for a few minutes.

Then he starts to think back over Keith’s visit.

She said that they had a nice moment earlier, when Keith first came in, but then he snooped around in her private life… when she was helping Logan with his panic attack. It’s the only time Keith was alone.

The wheels in his brain start turning faster. Doesn’t he remember Keith trying to talk to Veronica when she went out to get him water? He sounded angry.

Logan stands, glancing around the kitchen and living room; Keith found something here or in the bathroom that worried him and angered Veronica. A sickening suspicion is growing in the back of his mind, one he desperately wants to be wrong.

He walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door, grabbing one of the water bottles from inside.

_I don’t like the taste of the tap water- no way, I’m so gross right now. I need to brush my teeth- okay, I’m ready- I need to wash my face, stat- I’ll get it, I’m already up-_

Unscrewing the cap, he takes a sip.

Vodka has never tasted so bitter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, we knew it was coming :/
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed!! we reached 100 comments (including replies) last chapter and i want to thank you so much for your support. i love you guys <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for discussion of/depiction of alcoholism from here on out

When Veronica comes out of the bedroom, Logan is sitting at the kitchen table, staring silently at the open bottle before him; she stops dead in her tracks at the sight.

It’s clear she’s been found out.

He turns to look at her. “Vodka in water bottles?” he asks, quietly dismayed. “Veronica, this is what Lianne used to do.”

She takes several steps forward, joining him in the kitchen. “You don’t understand. I was going to stop drinking!” she pleads, clearly hurt by the comparison to her mother. “I don’t need it anymore, now that you’re here! But I can’t quit cold turkey… I just need to cut back one drink at a time.”

Logan shakes his head. “And how much were you drinking before, that you felt like you needed to hide it and lie to me about it? Veronica, I’m not mad, I’m worried and hurt.” He takes a deep breath. “Maybe… maybe you should think about getting some help.”

Her face changes; gets mean like it used to whenever he brought up therapy. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me too. I’m not a fucking alcoholic, I was just _heartbroken_ because the _love of my life_ died in front of me!”

“Veronica, drinking to make yourself feel better and lying to loved ones about how much you drink are the textbook signs of alcoholism!” His voice climbs, despite his best intentions. “You know we’re both genetically predisposed to addiction, you know you’re at greater risk-”

“I said I would stop!” Veronica practically screams. “Why are you yelling at me about this, I thought you would support me!”

At this, Logan deflates somewhat, but he doesn’t lose his resolve. “What did you mean, ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this to me too’?”

“What?” Her face freezes.

She’s never more dangerous than when backed into a corner.

“That’s what you said- ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this to me too’. What did you mean by that?” He takes a step closer, careful to keep his tone and body language non-confrontational, reaching out to take her hand.

For a moment, she looks furious, like she’ll pull away; then she sighs and curls her hand into his, accepting his overture. “My dad…” She looks away. “He staged some kind of intervention a few months ago. It’s why I moved out.”

_So this isn’t a recent problem._ Logan’s heart aches at the thought.

“I just couldn’t deal with all of the questions and accusations, and I didn’t deserve everyone worrying about me. So it was better if I just left and lived on my own.”

_So you could drink yourself to death?_ The thought strikes terror into his heart. Logan remembers Veronica as she was when he first saw her again, drunk and slurring her words in the middle of a weekday. He’d thought maybe she’d had a rough day, decided to let off steam with a few drinks- not that it was a daily occurrence.

“Veronica, please,” he begs. “Please get help. Go to AA, or talk to a therapist. Hell, do both! You think I’m gonna judge you? Me, of all people? You know I’ve had my struggles with addiction in the past. I overdosed twice in college, and I don’t want that for you. I can see you going down that same road and it scares the shit outta me.”

Veronica wavers at his concern, and she softens even more when he brings up his past struggles with sobriety. “Logan…” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t want that either. I said I was going to be better for you, and I meant it. But therapy? Alcoholics anonymous? I don’t need that. I can get better on my own.”

“No, Veronica,” he says, his heart heavy. “I don’t think you can. Bottling up all of your trauma and trying to deal with it on your own is what led to this in the first place. It’s what led to you lashing out and pushing everyone away.

“We all love you, and it hurts to watch you be in this much pain. I’m sure that’s what Keith and the others were trying to tell you as well.

“I don’t expect you to suddenly be okay, but please Veronica,” he pleads, holding her gaze. “For me. Get help. Let us be there for you.”

Tears well up in her eyes. “What if I can’t do it?” she whispers. “What if I’m too broken? Or just weak, like my mother?”

Logan gathers her into his arms, rocking back and forth slightly. “You’re not. I promise, Veronica, you’re not. You can do this. You’re the strongest person I know.”

She chokes out a sob, tightening her grip on him. “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll stop drinking and… I’ll talk to a therapist.”

Logan exhales in relief, kissing the top of her head.

After a few minutes, she pulls away, wiping at her eyes. “Geez. I think this is the most I’ve cried in my entire life.”

Logan smiles sadly. “I wouldn’t be surprised.” Veronica was always tough and bottled things up, no matter how many struggles or traumas she went through- but at some point, the dam is going to burst and there’s nothing you can do about it. Once the lid is taken off Pandora’s box, you just gotta deal with the shit that comes out.

Veronica sniffles. “I also think I owe my dad an apology… I was pretty awful to him. Both now and these past few months. …Mac and Wallace, too.”

“I think that would make all of you feel better.” Logan takes a deep breath. “But first, we need to talk about this a little more.” He clears his throat. “You might have had a point earlier; I’m not sure if it’s a great idea for you to go cold turkey if you’ve been drinking heavily on a regular basis. Ideally, you’d detox under medical supervision of some kind, but am I right that you’re not willing to go to rehab?”

Veronica looks panicked at the very thought. “Logan, no! I can’t leave you for that long. I agreed to therapy but you can’t just send me away-”

“Hey, no, no,” he interrupts. “I’m not sending you anywhere. I’m just trying to talk about our options, okay?”

She nods stiffly, still looking wide-eyed and tense, and he rubs her arm reassuringly.

The safest way to detox at home would be to taper off slowly like she mentioned before, but that only works for physical dependence- it won’t help with the psychological aspects of alcoholism. If she could cut back one drink at a time, she would have done it by now, instead of fighting with and running away from the people she loves.

The taper off plan is safer, but extremely unlikely to result in actual sobriety. Sure, he could theoretically supervise her drinking, but how is she supposed to commit to quitting that way? It’s not just physical, she obviously has an addiction. Logan’s mind is racing, trying to run through the scenarios. Rehab is obviously the best option, but if that’s off the table…

“I’m just worried about your health- alcohol detox can be really dangerous.” Logan sighs. “What do you think? You’re the one that has to actually do this.”

“…I can do it,” Veronica says bravely, lifting her chin. “I made you a promise and I’m going to keep it.”

The way she says it sends a jolt of panic through him. “Hey, no. I want you to get better, but not if that means I could lose you… I just don’t know what the best decision is here.”

Veronica is silent for a minute, clearly weighing her options.

“I want to quit, and I want to do it at home.”

Logan feels, at once, both immensely proud of her, and incredibly worried about this plan.

“If you’re sure, then… we need to do a few things to make this as safe as possible. Let’s call your doctor and get his advice first thing tomorrow… And you should definitely start talking to a therapist as soon as we can find one and get you an appointment… And if you take a turn for the worse, I’m bringing you to the hospital straight away.”

Veronica looks entirely unimpressed with his fretting. “You’re not taking me to the hospital unless it’s an actual emergency.” Still, she agrees to his conditions.

“One more thing.” Logan hesitates. “Would you help me pour out the alcohol? I can do it alone or you can help me, whatever you decide, but I need to know where you’ve got it stashed.”

She shifts uncomfortably. “There’s a bottle of vodka in the freezer. And the water bottles.” Logan waits patiently. “And one in the cupboards, behind the cereal.” He grabs the one from the cupboard and puts it on the counter near the sink.

“Okay, thanks.” He moves back to Veronica’s side, taking her hands. “I know this is hard, but I need you to be honest with me if you’re serious about getting better. Do you have any more alcohol hidden around the apartment or in the car?”

Logan waits, holding her gaze. _Come on, Veronica. I know you do. Let me trust you._

“…In the closet, in my room. In one of the shoeboxes.”

Logan exhales. “Thanks for being honest with me. Can you go get it and bring it here?” Veronica does so, eyes downcast. He places it on the counter with the other bottle and reaches out to touch her arm. “Hey- I’m proud of you. You’re doing great.”

Veronica nods, her gaze on the bottles of vodka.

“Look at me.” Her eyes meet his. “Is there any more?”

“No,” she shakes her head. “No more.” Logan searches her gaze, but he can’t tell if she’s lying. For the sake of her recovery and the trust in their relationship, he hopes not, but he’d be a fool to think it’ll be this easy.

She’s going to struggle and probably relapse- probably a couple times- but Logan will be here to support her, and he knows the others will too. As long as she wants to change, he knows she’s capable of it. But she has to _want_ to.

Logan hopes he’ll be enough for her- that their relationship will be enough- but he’s never been good enough before- with his mom or with Carrie. The specter of their mothers hang over them, telling Veronica she’s too weak to change and Logan that no one would love him enough to try. But he pushes down his doubts; he has to have faith in Veronica, that she meant what she said when she promised him she would be better.

“Do you want to pour any of it out, or do you want me to take care of it?”

Veronica hesitates. “…You start.”

He kisses her cheek. “If you need to leave the room, that’s fine.”

“No, I…” She takes a shaky breath. “I need to be here.”

Logan starts with the bottle from the cupboard, pouring it down the sink while Veronica watches, lips pressed tightly together. He moves on to the one from the closet, then to the remaining water bottles. When he grabs the last bottle of vodka from the freezer, Veronica stirs at last. “Let me do it… I can do it.”

Logan hands it over, nodding. “I know you can.”

Veronica stares at the contents of the bottle for a moment, then resolutely pours it down the drain.

“I’m so proud of you,” he repeats, wrapping her in a hug, which she returns tightly. “You can do this.”

“I’m trying,” she says in a whisper.

~

It’s past dinner time by the time they’re through; Logan’s starting to feel a tugging in his stomach that he knows will get worse if he doesn’t eat. Veronica has leftover lasagna in the fridge, but not enough for two people to share for dinner, and he doesn’t know how long the other containers have been in there.

“What do you want to do about dinner?” he asks her. “Order in again?”

There’s no way he’s letting her drive, not when he thinks back to the number of “water” bottles she’s been downing. And she’s got too many car-related hang-ups to let him do it.

Veronica shrugs noncommittally. “I’m not super hungry… We can do whatever you feel like.”

Between the pasta, the pizza, and the cheeseburgers, Logan’s been eating terribly lately; he should probably get something light, like a salad, no matter how unappetizing it sounds. “Okay then. How about we get something delivered and then go to the grocery store tomorrow?”

Veronica nods her assent.

“I’m gonna order a salad, do any soups or sandwiches sound good to you?”

“I’ll have grilled cheese and tomato soup.” Like the lasagna yesterday, it’s classic comfort food, which is exactly what Veronica needs right now.

“Sounds like a plan. Know any sandwich shops nearby or should I look one up?”

She shakes her head. “I’m not sure… I’ll check the app.” A minute or so later, Veronica hands over her phone, which has a selection of soup-and-sandwich type places pulled up for food delivery. Logan chooses one that seems promising and enters their orders: grilled cheese and tomato soup for Veronica and chicken kale salad for him.

Their order on its way, Logan hands the phone back to Veronica and wraps an arm around her waist. “How’re you feeling?”

She sighs, leaning into him. “I’m fine… Tomorrow’s when the hard part starts.”

“I know. But I have faith in you, Veronica. I know you can do this. And I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

Veronica smiles briefly but clearly doesn’t want to discuss this any further. She quickly changes the subject. “So tomorrow, we wake up and go to the grocery store. Then what?”

Then withdrawal, basically.

Privately, Logan thinks she’s underestimating how bad it’s going to be. Still, he isn’t sure what the right balance is between keeping her distracted and pushing her too hard. The past few days have been long and difficult, and withdrawal’s going to be tough on her; he doesn’t want to push her past her limits, which seem painfully low at the moment, but Veronica has always thrived when she’s had something to focus on and channel her energy into. Waiting around was never her style. “How about telling the rest of our friends I’m back? We’re still waiting on Keith’s word about the doctor, but I’d like to keep everyone in the loop.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” she nods. “I need to talk to Mac and Wallace anyway… And speaking of my dad, I should probably call him now, before it gets too late. I don’t want him to go to bed thinking I’m still mad at him.”

“Hey,” Logan catches her arm. “We can take it one step at a time tomorrow. If at any point things get to be too much or you need a break… just let me know, and we’re done. You’re my priority here.”

He can almost see her fighting back the urge to say she doesn’t need to be coddled; after a moment, she nods instead. “…Okay. Thanks.”

Phone in hand, Veronica slips into the bedroom for privacy on her phone call to Keith.

Logan glances around the living room as he waits, scanning the somewhat drab interior, their orange couch being the main pop of color. He can hear faint murmuring through the wall.

He wants to trust Veronica when it comes to her getting sober, but he has years of experience with an alcoholic parent, not to mention Carrie’s struggles with addiction. Something within him says he’d be a fool to take her completely at her word. As they say, trust but verify.

Logan opens the cupboards and looks around, telling himself that he’s not specifically looking for alcohol, just familiarizing himself with her new place.

_Just keep telling yourself that, buddy._

After quickly looking over the kitchen and living room and finding nothing, Logan settles on the couch, feeling an unsettling mix of guilty for doubting her and unsatisfied because he only checked the most basic hiding spots and hasn’t even touched the bedroom or bathroom yet. He drums his fingers on his leg, forcing himself to stay in place.

_Chill out. You know how much it hurt when Veronica wouldn’t trust you back then._

Still, this situation seems tailor-made to hit them both where it hurts. It’s obviously deep-seated enough that Veronica fought with her friends and family about it; she moved an hour and a half away rather than give up drinking, so why would she give it up after one conversation with him? _I don’t need it anymore, now that you’re here_ , she’d said, but that hadn’t stopped her from guzzling down at least four water bottles full of vodka in the past two days.

The thought feels so mean-spirited and unfair it makes Logan wince just to think it.

He meant it when he said he’d never judge her, that he understood what she was going through- but it’s because of that understanding that he’s struggling now. It’s easy to support Veronica when she’s in front of him, needing him to be strong. It’s when he’s by himself that the doubts creep in, the old thoughts that he worked so long to conquer: of course you’re not worth it, you’re not worth _anything_. Just a selfish, worthless waste of space.

It’s been a long time since he gave those thoughts any hold over him; the purpose and belonging that the Navy brought to his life and the love and joy he shared with Veronica were usually enough to silence them. But this situation, being plucked out of his life and dropped back in after everyone had moved on without him, left him feeling unmoored, set adrift and vulnerable to old insecurities.

Logan takes a deep breath and centers himself, drawing on the techniques he picked up from Jane. _Every person has worth… You don’t have to earn the right to exist… Think of something you’ve done that’s made a positive impact on someone else._

After a few minutes of reflection, Logan feels a lot more settled, and less like he’s about to fly off the handle. Veronica needs him to be there for her right now, a steady and undemanding presence, and he can’t do that if he’s having panic attacks or plagued by insecurity.

God, he can’t wait to talk to Jane again. She’s another one he has to break the news to, but like his Navy friends, he can’t put her in a position where she has to keep that a secret. Therapist-client confidentiality only goes so far.

And speaking of Jane… He has an idea about Veronica’s agreement to try therapy.

The door opens to the bedroom opens as Logan makes a mental note to tell Veronica when he gets the chance. She reenters the room, looking wan but also lighter. Veronica and Keith have always been so close, it must have been weighing on her that their relationship has been so strained lately. “How did it go?” Logan asks, patting the couch beside him.

She sits down, smiling a bit. “It was good. Tough, but good. He’s really happy I agreed to get help, and he says he forgives me for acting so awful.” The smile drops from her face as it grows troubled. “I know this hasn’t been easy on him. With Lianne and everything…”

Logan takes her hand, meeting her gaze directly. “You are not your mother. You’re a million times the woman she ever was, and you’re a million times stronger. Your dad knows that, and so do I.”

Veronica nods, squeezing his hand and still looking a bit troubled. “He wanted to come back tomorrow and stay with me while I went through withdrawal, but I told him to wait a day or so. I think we both need some time to process everything.”

“Veronica, if you want your dad here, he’ll be here. If you need space, he’s gone. We both want what’s best for you.” Bring her hand to his lips, he kisses the back of it. “But I’ll be by your side no matter what.”

Veronica’s face crumples slightly and she blinks rapidly. “Thank you, Logan. I don’t deserve you.”

“Veronica Mars,” he scolds her. “I think that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say. If there’s an undeserving party in this relationship, it’s clearly me.”

Veronica looks fired up over that one. “Hey!” she says sharply. “That’s my husband you’re talking about!” He can’t help his stupid grin at her words, and seeing his smile, her lips twitch upwards in return.

“I’ll talk to Mac and Wallace tomorrow,” she continues, growing serious again. “I don’t want to draw attention away from your situation, but they deserve an apology too.”

“Veronica, you know I don’t care about that. I want you to have your friends’ support.”

She sighs, rubbing her face with one hand. “They’ve all been so good to me, trying to take care of me. When I was living at my dad’s someone would drop by every day. And then I moved here, to get away from them… but I couldn’t make myself truly leave. I wanted to be close enough that I could get there if there was an emergency or something went wrong with my dad’s health.

“Here, I was far enough away that they couldn’t just pop over to check in, but Wallace and Mac have been trading off weekends to drive down and spend the day with me, and my dad and I… We came up with an arrangement where he’d came over every Sunday. So I… I would try to drink less on the weekends, and I hid the vodka so they wouldn’t have proof I was still drinking. They knew; obviously they knew, but they couldn’t say anything. That’s what the water bottles were for.”

As much as his heart hurts to hear it, Logan is so glad Veronica’s opening up to him about this. “What if they also wanted a water bottle? Like I did?” he asks cautiously.

“Then I’d just give them a normal one,” she replies, rubbing her arms as if to warm herself. “Some were filled with water and others with alcohol, and I knew which ones were which, so I’d hand out the drinks rather than letting anyone snoop. It wasn’t perfect, but…”

…But it worked well enough on him. Thinking back to that moment makes him sick.

The sight of Veronica on her knees…

Logan shakes his head. “I’m glad they were there for you.”

As much as they could be.

They’re interrupted by the food arriving, and Veronica goes to pay since Logan still doesn’t have any funds to call his own. Yet another thing they need to get sorted out.

Once seated, Logan picks at his salad. It’s one of his favorites, but today it just doesn’t seem appetizing. He finishes the chicken but pushes most of the kale unenthusiastically around his plate. No matter how much of it he eats, it doesn’t seem to make a dent in his appetite, and it just tastes bland and boring.

“The salad not any good?” Veronica asks, nodding at his unfinished plate.

“…I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wouldn't call her issues solved by any means, but at least they're out in the open and she's agreed to get help.
> 
> I’m trying my best to make Veronica’s alcohol detox semi-realistic, but in real life it’s definitely best to go to rehab/have medical supervision when detoxing, as withdrawal can be super dangerous and even life threatening if the dependency is severe enough. Alas, as this is fiction, I really didn’t want to send Veronica away to rehab at this point and have her be gone for a long period of time because it would throw off the whole story. This fic is not intended to be real, medical advice re: addiction. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out and receive professional help.
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor warning for some vomiting

The next morning finds them standing outside the nearest grocery store, facing it down with grim determination.

Veronica’s withdrawal symptoms started to manifest during the night, causing both of them to sleep poorly, and she woke up feeling nauseous. Seeing her discomfort, Logan pleaded with her to stay home and rest, but Veronica insisted that she’s not an invalid, and besides she doesn’t want to let him a) drive the car, or b) be out of her sight long enough for an entire trip to the grocery store.

He would’ve argued further, but she has a point. Early symptoms are the mildest, and she’ll probably be out of commission the next few days as they worsen. She might as well keep busy and distracted while she still has the energy to do so.

Logan wants to stock up on supplies before they reach that point, so he can keep her as comfortable and well-fed as possible; there’s no way he’s leaving her side during this entire process.

They’d called the doctor as soon as they woke up and informed him of Veronica’s situation. He strongly urged her to check herself into a professional rehab center, but when she insisted on detoxing at home, he’d given them advice on how to keep her as healthy as possible and told them to call 911 immediately if she started hallucinating or seizing. The words were frightening enough that Logan almost called off the whole thing, insisting that Veronica either go to rehab or try the tapering off plan instead- but Veronica hadn’t been deterred.

She seems determined to follow through now that she’s committed to sobriety, and Logan worries that she’s just doing this to try to prove herself to him. Just yesterday, Veronica was still insisting that she wasn’t an alcoholic and there was no way she was quitting cold turkey; her quick turnaround seems almost too good to be true.

Then, on top of everything else, there was the car trip to get to the store- always a fraught affair nowadays.

Understandably, this is not Veronica’s most enthusiastic trip to the grocery.

Logan, on the other hand, is somewhat looking forward to it. He’s eager to get this over with and go home, and he’s ravenously hungry.

As they enter the grocery store, everything looks mouth-wateringly appetizing. Crossing the floor in long, steady strides, he begins pulling things from the shelves and filling their cart. Veronica trails behind him, hanging back at first, but after a minute or so she interjects. “So, do you think we got enough meat?”

Logan glances at her quizzically, and she nods at the cart.

It’s half full of meat of various kinds, everything from steaks and burgers to chicken and bacon and fish.

Logan flushes, strangely caught off guard. He’d just been on autopilot, grabbing what looked good. “Yeah… maybe I should put some of this back.”

Veronica shakes her head, looking contrite. “No, don’t. If you think you’ll eat it, it’s fine. I was just surprised... I’m used to more veggie-adjacent fare from you.”

“…Right.” Logan swallows, looking down at the pile of meat in the cart. It looks far more appetizing than anything else in the store, more than the pastries or fruit or yogurts or cheeses. He feels like he could tear one of the packages open right now and just start eating it raw... That sounds like the best thing in the world.

Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with him?

Breaking out in a cold sweat, Logan tears his gaze away from temptation and makes a hard turn away from the meat aisle, towards the fruit and vegetables. That’s the best thing for Veronica during withdrawal, that and water, and that’s what they need to focus on. His jaw is clenched and his heart is rabbiting.

Of course, his ultra-observant wife isn’t going to let that pass unremarked. “Hey, what’s going on? You look as bad as I do right now. Did I really upset you with that stupid comment about the meat?”

“I’m fine. I just want to get what we need and go home,” Logan insists.

He can’t talk about this with her, because that would mean there’s something to talk about, and he’s fine. He’s really, truly fine.

Chicken, fish, those will be good for Veronica to eat. She needs protein to keep her strength up… Eggs! Eggs are good too. He moves with single-minded focus throughout the store, grabbing everything that Veronica might possibly need to have a balanced diet while she heals.

By the end of the trip, the cart is full to the brim, and Logan is nearly trembling with tension. His intense focus on Veronica’s needs have carried him thus far, but his stomach is aching with unwelcome hunger. He feels like he’s going to fly apart if someone so much as looks at him, let alone talks to him.

Having obviously picked up on his distress, Veronica smoothly takes the lead at checkout, pushing through her own discomfort and shepherding him out the door to the car. God, he’s useless _and_ freakish.

They load their purchases into the trunk and get inside the car, where Veronica watches him closely, cupping his face with a cool hand. He sighs with relief at her touch. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?” she asks quietly.

Logan doesn’t answer. Why the hell is he putting more stress on her at a time like this? He really is the worst.

Sighing, Veronica lets her hand fall. “…I’m sorry, Logan. I keep trying to prove that I’m strong enough to handle everything and I’m not a burden- but I’ve just been selfish and ignoring your needs. I know this situation is really crazy and I’m just putting more stress on you with all my… problems. You keep saying you don’t want to push me, but I shouldn’t have pushed you either.”

“Veronica, no,” he protests. “This isn’t your fault. I’m just a little fucked up right now. I thought that I could do this and then I flipped out and let you down.”

“You haven’t let me down.” Veronica gazes at him steadily. “Logan, do you know how much it helps, just looking at you? I thought I’d never see you again, and every time I do it’s like this burst of joy inside my chest. You’ve been so steady and supportive, like you always are… You give me strength. Do you really think I’d hold it against you if you need to lean on me too?”

Veronica’s words break through the negative thoughts swirling around his head. She’s right; they’ve always leaned on each other when they needed support. She’s saved him as many times as he’s saved her- it’s what they do. It just feels wrong to ask more of her when she’s going through so much. Generally, they trade off who needs help or support and who provides it, but right now everything’s hitting them at once, and all they can do is cling to each other and hope to survive it.

“Thank you, Veronica,” he sighs. “You give me strength, too. I can’t even say how much.”

Holding her gaze, Logan can feel his tension levels dropping. He doesn’t have to think about that other stuff right now- just focus on Veronica. Give her his strength and accept her support in return; that’s the only way they’ll make it through this.

Ironically enough, Veronica’s worry for him seems to cut down on her car-related anxieties, and they make it home without incident; her withdrawal symptoms seem to be worsening, however. She looks pale, and as she reaches out to take some of the bags, Logan notices a slight tremor in her hands. Wordlessly, he hands her the two of the lightest ones, and awkwardly grapples with the remaining bags himself. Ignoring Veronica’s glare at the attempt to “coddle” her, he heads for the elevator.

The more he looks at her, the more he feels coddling is justified. Veronica seems tired after their trip out, and her lips are pressed tightly together like she’s in pain. Stomachache maybe?

“Sit down, I’ll put everything away.” Veronica opens her mouth to argue, but he continues speaking before she can. “Weren’t you just saying how we should lean on each other? Go on, take a break. I got this.”

“…Damn my impeccable logic,” Veronica grumbles before stomping off to flop down on the couch.

He puts away the groceries, doing his best to look at and touch the meat as little as possible, then starts making Veronica a snack. “How’s your nausea?” he asks.

Veronica stares up at the ceiling. “Not great.”

“Let’s see if you can keep down some toast,” he says, bringing it over.

“Thanks,” she mutters grudgingly, taking a grumpy bite.

In the end, she eats one of the two slices, but withdrawal is making her appetite even worse than it already was, and she says she’s worried she’ll throw up if she eats any more.

“Okay, then. You wanna try to take a nap?”

“Not really,” she says, sounding tired. “Will you sit with me?”

Logan sits down and lets her put her head in his lap, putting the TV on low volume for background noise as he strokes her hair. She gazes blearily at the screen but can’t seem to sleep; it isn’t until an hour and a half later that she finally starts to doze.

Even once she’s dropped off, Logan continues stroking, focusing as much as possible on the feeling of her soft hair underneath his hand, devoting all his attention to soothing and comforting her. If he can just focus on Veronica, who needs him, everything will be alright.

Veronica will get better (and he’ll be normal) and he’ll reunite with his friends (and he’ll be normal) and he’ll go back to his job that he loves (and he’ll be normal) and he and Veronica will be happy together, happily married at last, (and he’ll be normal) and she’ll be healthy again (and he’ll be normal).

 _Right._ Because that’s exactly how their life has always worked- nothing but sunshine and roses.

Logan’s hand gradually slows to a halt.

Veronica’s asleep- she doesn’t really need him to stroke her hair anymore.

Slowly, almost unwillingly, he turns his head to face the kitchen.

The refrigerator sits in place of pride, white and unmoving, silently mocking him. Logan stares it down, waging an internal war.

_You can’t eat raw meat, that’s disgusting._

_Why is it disgusting? People eat sushi all time. Sushi is tasty, we like sushi!_

_But… diseases! E. coli and salmonella._

_What about beef tartare? That’s uncooked, right?_

_People don’t just eat raw meat out of the package, you fucking freak._

Veronica shifts restlessly on his lap, and Logan’s head snaps guiltily around, his breath coming short. Hesitantly, he runs a trembling hand over her head to soothe her, and it seems to work- she settles, softly sighing.

_~~What’s happening to me?~~ _

Logan strokes and strokes, keeping his mind as empty as possible.

~

About twenty minutes into her nap, Veronica wakes up and immediately runs to the bathroom to puke, Logan following close behind her. He holds Veronica’s hair back as she retches; hopefully it’s been long enough that the toast had a chance to digest.

Flushing the toilet, Logan pours her a glass of water as she ties up her hair in a loose ponytail. “Here,” he gently instructs, holding her shaking hand steady. “Just sip it a little.”

It’s important to keep Veronica hydrated, and they don’t want her to drink too fast and be unable to keep it down.

“Breaking news: withdrawal sucks,” Veronica jokes weakly as she stares down into her cup.

“I know it does,” Logan acknowledges, kissing her forehead tenderly. “You’re doing great.”

She rolls her eyes a little. “All I’ve done so far is nap and throw up.”

Logan frames her with his fingers, speaking in an overly-exaggerated sportscaster’s voice. “And here we have Veronica Mars, in the lead after a strong start. Not only did she overcome her insomnia to score a twenty-point nap AND keep down a slice of toast in the midst of her nausea, she also braved the general public at the grocery store this morning, completing a successful trip for a bonus one hundred and fifty points!”

Veronica laughs a little at his antics. “What, is it a sport now?”

“Sure it is,” Logan declares lightly, helping her up. “You get five points on the hour, every hour- bonus points every time you eat and sleep.”

Here she shows a flicker of interest, looking him up and down. “And what do I get for racking up all these points? Is there a reward?” Her voice has gone low and playful, a tone usually guaranteed to turn him on.

Logan flashes her a smile and a quick peck on the lips. “I’m sure we can work something out.” Not only is he not in the mood, but he’s kind of regretting the sports joke now. He was trying to make Veronica smile and show her that her achievements here weren’t nothing, but the last thing he wants is to set Veronica’s sobriety up as a game with himself as the prize. He’s already worried enough about her underlying motivation as is.

Veronica dials back the bedroom eyes, probably feeling too crappy to seriously contemplate sex. “If it’s a sport, how do I win? Puke the least times? If I’m in the lead, do I have competition?” She runs with the bit, trying to distract herself from her symptoms.

 _You don’t win_ , Logan thinks but doesn’t say. _You just try your whole life not to lose._

~

After getting Veronica resettled on the couch, Logan pours her a glass of ginger ale and cuts a banana into slices for her to nibble on while she watches TV. Strong odors will trigger her nausea, so for himself, Logan makes a plain rice with broccoli; if she keeps the banana down, he’ll have her try the rice to get something more substantial in her stomach.

His head is pounding and the meal tastes like ashes in his mouth, but he forces himself to choke it down, for all the good it seems to do. As he finishes, his stomach lets out a growl, and he glares down at it. “Oh, shut up,” Logan whispers fiercely.

He grabs some ibuprofen from the bathroom, hastily downing a few; then on his way to join Veronica, he hears his phone ring from the bedroom and detours to pick it up, Veronica raising her head with interest. “Who is it?”

The caller id flashes across the screen: Keith. “It’s your dad,” Logan calls back, and picks up the phone.

“Hi Keith,” Logan answers, sitting on the bed in an uncomfortable mirror of yesterday’s voicemail mishap.

“Logan.” His father-in-law’s voice is friendly yet somewhat wary. “Can I assume you and Veronica talked last night?”

“Yeah, we did… She didn’t tell you that when she called you yesterday?”

“No, no,” Keith sounds relieved. “She did, I just wanted to make sure…” …that she was telling the truth. Logan winces in sympathy; Veronica’s going to have a tough time rebuilding Keith’s trust in her after all this.

Still, he can’t exactly blame the guy. Last night she’d acted like she had absolutely no intention of coming clean until Keith pushed her, and who knows how long things would have gone on if he hadn’t? Logan thinks he would have realized soon enough, but denial is a very powerful thing, and Veronica’s good at distractions, unfortunately. Still, she couldn’t have hid it forever. Logan had the pieces; he just hadn’t wanted to put them together.

As for Keith… With Veronica lying to him, hiding things from him, moving an hour and a half away to avoid his worry and his love… It must have been hell, to have seen his daughter struggling so much and been unable to help her- an unsettling echo of her mother.

“Right,” Logan acknowledges, clearing his throat. He’s acutely aware of the open door and Veronica in the next room; even with the TV on, there’s a good chance she can hear his half of the conversation. “Thank you for… what you did yesterday. Although a straight answer might have been nice.”

Keith sighs wearily. “I wanted to give Veronica a chance to come clean before I forced the issue any more than I already had. ...Maybe that was a mistake. But we’ve been on such thin ice these past few months… I was worried she’d cut me out completely.

“She’s barely letting me into her life as is. I see her once a week, on the weekends; she ignores most of my calls; and every day I don’t hear from her I worry the next call I get will be from the hospital. It’s like she’s been spiraling down this dark path and every time I try to reach for her, she pushes me further away.” He takes a shaky breath. “So if she’s really agreed to get sober, then I have to thank you again, Logan, for saving my daughter’s life.”

Logan’s throat is so tight he doesn’t think he can speak. He knew it was bad, that Veronica’s been isolated and traumatized and probably depressed, falling further into addiction every day- but hearing how much her relationship with her father had deteriorated, to the point where he was worried Veronica might cut contact with him or that she might _die_ , is absolutely terrifying. He could have lost her so easily. Living by herself, doesn’t seem to have any contact with other people 5 days out of the week… If she’d drank too much and gotten alcohol poisoning, how long would it have taken for anyone to notice that she was sick, maybe even dead? The thought is so frightening he feels like he might vomit.

“…Veronica deserves the credit,” he eventually manages to choke out, his voice hoarse. “She’s doing all the work.”

Keith makes a dissenting noise. “But you’re the one who convinced her to try. …How is that going? Is she doing alright?” His anxiety comes through loud and clear; Logan knows that if Veronica had given the okay, he would’ve been back here last night or this morning to watch over her.

“It’s going okay, pretty much as expected at this point. Some nausea and fatigue, insomnia. But you know Veronica- she’s a tough cookie.”

Keith chuckles a little. “That she is,” he agrees fondly.

Logan stands and moves to the doorway, where he can see Veronica. She’s studiously not looking in his direction, keeping her gaze fixed on the TV in a way that makes him even more certain that she’s been listening as closely as possible this whole time. Motioning to get her attention, he points at the phone and mouths, “Want to talk to your dad?”

At her nod, he says into the phone: “She’s in the living room right now, listening on us, I’m sure. Do you want to talk to her real quick?”

“Of course.” Like that was ever in doubt- but Veronica’s anxious expression betrays that she isn’t quite so certain of his answer. Even though they’d cleared the air last night, it’s gonna take some time to completely mend fences.

“Don’t tire her out too much,” Logan advises, passing over the phone. Veronica gives him an unimpressed look that suggests she doesn’t much appreciate of his mothering, but she can’t quite keep it up; her lips tug up at the edges into the barest hint of a smile.

“Hi Dad,” she says hesitantly, biting her thumbnail. “…I’m doing fine; you know us Marses are tough.” Ducking her head, she smiles a little. “Thanks, Dad.” She listens for another few seconds before putting the phone face down on the couch. “Is it okay if he comes and stays with us for a few days, starting tomorrow?” she whispers.

“Of course it is.” As far as Logan’s concerned, whatever support Veronica wants, Veronica gets right now.

With a grateful smile, she raises the phone back to her ear. “Yeah, I should probably give Logan a break from babysitting duty at some point.” At this, Logan lightly whacks her leg with the back of his hand, making Veronica grin at him. Taking care of her isn’t babysitting, and he doesn’t need breaks; it’s what’s keeping him sane right now. But at the same time, it wouldn’t hurt to have another pair of eyes on Veronica. He can’t watch over her 24/7, no matter how much he’d like to.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then… You too, Dad.” Logan gestures for her to pass the phone back to him, instead of hanging up. “Hang on, Logan wants to talk to you again.”

“Hey Keith,” he greets him, moving into the kitchen area. “Thanks for offering to come over; I’m sure Veronica will appreciate having you here.”

“If she’d said no, you might’ve found me breaking into the apartment anyway,” Keith replies wryly, and Logan smiles.

“I wanted to ask you about that doctor- you said you might know someone?”

“Right,” Keith agrees. “I know a guy who owes me a favor, but I’m still trying to get ahold of him. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear back.” His tone of voice changes, becomes concerned. “Is there any particular reason you’re asking? Is something wrong?”

 _I’m constantly hungry and craving raw meat. My head and stomach hurt like a son of a bitch._ Yeah, that’ll go over well. Still, as nervous as the prospect makes him, Logan’s growing increasingly eager to get looked at by a medical professional. The last fucking thing they need is for him to drop dead on Veronica right after she got him back.

“No,” he replies. “Like Veronica said, just wanna get checked over. See if we can find any clues.”

“Well, like I said, I’m still waiting for a response. But I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything.”

Logan nods, even though Keith can’t see him. “Thanks, Keith. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“About that- I’m making alternate arrangements for Pony this week. She’s a good girl, but I wouldn’t want her to be underfoot.”

“Good idea,” he confirms. As much as he misses their dog, and as good as it had been to see her again, Veronica needs a calm and quiet environment during her recovery.

“And about Veronica- let me know if her condition changes, won’t ya? Her old man worries.”

“Of course,” Logan reassures him. “You’ll be the first to know.”

Keith signs off with a, “See you tomorrow then- I’ll be there around noon, and I’ll bring lunch.”

Veronica’s watching him as he hangs up his call, her face turned away but eyes fixed in his direction. “…I didn’t know your phone was working again,” she says, faux casual.

“Uh-huh,” Logan confirms without looking up. “Just needed to be recharged.”

Giving a faint hum of acknowledgement, she sits back, and he makes a mental note to go back and listen to some of those voicemails soon, before he finds them mysteriously erased from his phone; there’s no better window into Veronica’s mental state while he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! you guys are the best <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for vomiting and brief mention of suicide

In the end, Veronica throws up twice more that afternoon, and is unable to fall back asleep, despite her poor rest last night. After a few hours of TV watching, she claims boredom and flips listlessly through a few magazines she had lying around. “We’re behind schedule,” she claims. “You were supposed to call Mac and Wallace and Dick today, and you haven’t talked to any of them yet.”

Truthfully, he hasn’t wanted to take his focus off of Veronica or put her in a situation where she had to have emotionally draining conversations with her friends- but that _was_ the plan they’d made yesterday.

“You still up for that? I’ll explain everything to them first, and you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to,” he promises. With Keith’s old age, he hadn’t wanted to give him a sudden shock by popping up alive without warning- but he’d seen how hard that had been on Veronica, and he’s not putting her through that again. The rest of their friends are getting news of Logan’s return and Veronica’s sobriety straight from him.

“I’m up. I’m extremely up! I’m straight-up full of pep,” she quips.

With Veronica’s encouragement, he decides to call Dick first. Flawed as he may be, Dick’s always been there for him, and he pretty much has no one else in his life, just like Logan used to. And despite appearances, Dick is surprisingly good at keeping a secret.

Besides, the conversations with Wallace and Mac will involve Veronica and her detox, and that’s likely to be a thorny topic.

Dialing Dick’s number, he sits and waits.

“Dude, what the fuck? Who said you could have this number?” His friend’s voice is loud and somewhat pissed off.

“…Dick, it’s me. Logan.”

“The fuck… I must be tripping so hard right now. I don’t even remember taking anything! Besides pot, I mean.” Even in his confusion, Dick sounds distressed.

“You’re not tripping, it’s really me. I’m alive.” He swallows thickly. “I’m back.”

Dick’s voice wavers. “Dude… you can’t do this to me. Are you serious?”

“I promise, I am. I don’t know what happened, but-”

Dick breaks in angrily. “Did you seriously just let me think you were dead this whole time?”

“No!” Logan denies. “I can’t remember the past seven months. Ever since the day I got married… I just woke up outside and couldn’t remember anything.”

Dick starts to sniffle. “Oh man… I can’t believe you’re still alive. Logan!” As he speaks, the sniffles turn into full on sobs.

“I’m here, Dick,” Logan promises. “You’re not alone.” He knows how hard his “death” must have hit him, especially directly in the wake of his father’s demise. He only hopes that Dick hasn’t gone too far off the deep end in his loneliness and grief.

“Where are you, bro? I gotta see you.”

“In San Diego, at Veronica’s new place.”

“I’m in Mexico right now but I can be there by tomorrow,” Dick responds, for once dead serious.

“Dick…” He hesitates, unsure of how much to share. “Veronica’s going through alcohol detox right now, and she needs a quiet and peaceful environment. You can come over, but you’ve gotta be quiet and you can’t stay for too long. Once she gets through this, you and I can hang out again, okay?”

Dick remains uncharacteristically solemn. “Yeah, Ronnie really took it hard, huh? I probably owe her an apology.”

Logan straightens warily. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… at the funeral, some things were said that we maybe didn’t mean.”

“If you were mean to my wife at my funeral,” Logan growls, “I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Dick doesn’t deny anything. “That’s fair, dude. Can’t wait!” He sounds giddy at the prospect of seeing Logan again, even if it’s to get his ass kicked, and even though Logan’s still angry (and he’s _definitely_ going to find out exactly what was said so he can determine the severity of the beatdown), he can’t help but soften at Dick’s enthusiasm.

He sighs. “Let me know what time you get into San Diego, and I’ll let you know when you can drop by.” Silently, he vows to clear things with Veronica first. If she doesn’t want Dick to come over, Logan will step outside to meet him. It’s not fair to Veronica to invite Dick into her home, especially if they’re on bad terms, but it also wouldn’t be fair to drop this kind of information on Dick and then refuse to see him. Why is coming back from the dead so complicated?

“Will do,” Dick says cheerily.

“And one more thing,” Logan says. “Can you keep this to yourself for now? We’re still trying to find out what happened, and it needs to stay a secret for a little while.”

“I got your back, man,” Dick replies seriously.

“Thanks, Dick. I know you do.”

Hanging up the phone, Logan feels a lot better than he did when the call started; each person he tells feels like a weight off his chest.

Veronica, in contrast, is not looking so great. When he walks back over to check on her, she seems pale and anxious, but she quickly tries to smile as she sees him approaching. “Hey! How did it go?”

“Not bad. Pretty much what I expected.” Drawing her close, he kisses her forehead. “What’s up with you? You look worried.”

Glancing away, Veronica frowns. “…I was just thinking about Mac and Wallace.” Her breathing starts to pick up and she presses a hand to her stomach like it’s hurting. “What if they’re finally fed up with me and they never want to see me again? What if they hate me now?”

Alarmed, Logan cups her face. “Whoa, where is this coming from? Of course they don’t hate you.” Veronica blinks rapidly, still taking in shuddering breaths. It’s not quite a panic attack, but definitely not normal behavior from her, and when he puts two fingers to her wrist, her pulse pounds rapidly. “You told me the two of them came to see you every other weekend, so they obviously still care about you. If they didn’t give up on you all that time, why would they suddenly do so now?”

“I don’t know,” Veronica says, pressing a hand to her chest, still breathing unsteadily. “I just… I can’t calm down. They’re gonna see what a shitty person I am and that they were wrong to waste so much time on me.”

Suddenly, it dawns on Logan; he takes her hands and holds them in his own. “Veronica, listen to me. This is withdrawal talking. They said anxiety was probably going to be one of your symptoms, right?”

“…I guess so.” She sounds dubious.

“Your friends love you. They’re not going to abandon you. But even if they did, you’d still have me and you’d still have your dad. We’re not going anywhere.”

Grimacing, Veronica drops his hands. “…I think I’m gonna puke.”

Running to the bathroom, she falls to her knees just in time to vomit, but nothing much comes out. By now, she keeps her hair tied back so Logan doesn’t have to hold it, but he still comes in to rub her back and soothe her as she gags over the toilet, failing to produce anything. He murmurs soothingly as he comforts her, wishing he could take this pain away- wishing that it was seven months ago and they were freshly married and he hadn’t disappeared and Veronica hadn’t picked up her mother’s bad habit yet.

By the time she finishes, the sudden wave of anxiety seems to have mostly passed, leaving common uncertainty and nerves in its wake. “You don’t have to talk to them,” Logan reassures her. “We can do this another day, or I can talk to them and tell them you’re asleep or something.”

“No, I…” Veronica takes a deep breath. “They deserve to know, and I want to do this while I’m still, y’know, compos mentis.”

After drinking some water from the sink to get the bad taste out of her mouth, she goes for her phone like she’s about to call one of them right now.

“Whoa, hang on,” Logan stops her. “Let me talk to them first. I’ll update them on the situation.” Privately, Logan vows that if they’re anything less than supportive of Veronica’s sobriety, there’s no way he’s letting them get on the phone with her. Like he told Veronica, they obviously still care, but it’ll make him feel better to take care of the initial conversation- save Veronica from the stress of trying to convince her loved ones she’s being honest after months of lying and avoidance.

Veronica shrugs a little and goes to sit on the couch, staring somewhat blankly ahead. Her lack of expression scares Logan a bit, and he goes to stand by her, putting a hand on her shoulder. She startles a little when he touches her but smiles as soon as she sees him. “What’s up?”

“Do you want the TV back on?” Logan asks. “Or to read a book or something? We could go for a quick walk if you’re feeling up to it.” He doesn’t have to do this now.

“I’m fine,” Veronica says quizzically. “I thought you were going to call Mac and Wallace.”

She picks up a magazine from the pile next to her and shakes it as if to demonstrate that she has entertainment.

Reluctantly, Logan withdraws his hand. “If you’re sure…”

“Yes, please.” Veronica sighs. “It’ll make me feel better to get it over with.”

At her insistence, he steps into the bedroom to make the call. Not that that’ll stop her from eavesdropping if she wants, but it’ll make it more difficult. He knows from experience that the walls are surprisingly thick for an apartment of this quality.

After a moment of deliberation, Logan decides to contact Wallace and Shae first. He’s a bit closer with them than Mac, since they were living nearby while Mac traveled for her job, and it’s late enough in the afternoon that Wallace should be home from school.

He’s has always had Veronica’s back, since the day they met; hopefully that hasn’t changed in the past seven months. Taking a deep breath, Logan dials Wallace’s cell.

It rings for a few beats before Wallace picks up, sounding guarded. “Hello?”

“Wallace, it’s me, Logan.” Even though he’s done this a few times already, he still hasn’t found a better way to break the news.

“…Is this a prank?” There’s an undercurrent of anger to his friend’s voice. “Because if so, that’s really cruel.”

“No, I promise, it’s not a prank, Wallace. It’s really me. I’m alive.”

“What…? How?” Here comes the bewilderment.

“Honestly, I wish I could tell you,” Logan sighs. “Long story short, I have no memory of the past seven months, but I woke up a few days ago outside our apartment, totally unharmed as far as I can tell. We’re still trying to figure out what happened.”

After catching him up on the basic details of the past few days, Wallace broaches the subject Logan’s been avoiding. “…How is Veronica taking all this?”

“About as well as she could have,” Logan deflects, trying to figure out the best way to approach the topic. After a moment, he decides head on is best; it’s worked well enough so far. “…You know about her drinking problem.”

“Yeah, man. I know,” Wallace answers, sounding a little bitter. “I wasn’t sure if you would yet.”

Logan rubs his mouth wryly. “Yeah… Things came to a bit of a head last night. But she’s alright. That’s actually part of what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“I’m sorry,” Wallace sighs. “We tried our best to help her, but… obviously it wasn’t good enough.”

“I’m not trying to blame you,” Logan interjects. “That’s the opposite of what I’m trying to say.” He knows firsthand how stubborn Veronica can be, how she withdraws when feeling vulnerable. It’s hard to even imagine the kind of pain she must’ve been in since his “death”; honestly, if it had been him in her shoes, he probably would’ve killed himself.

Shaking off his dark thoughts, Logan continues. “I wanted to thank you for taking care of her, while I was gone.” He goes on before Wallace can protest. “And I wanted to tell you that Veronica’s decided to get sober.”

Wallace makes a disbelieving noise. “…Seriously? Are sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Logan says, much more confidently than he feels. “She’s going through withdrawal right now.”

“Did she agree to go to rehab?” Wallace asks, still sounding a bit dubious.

“Well, no.” Logan shifts uncomfortably. “It probably wouldn’t be best for us to be apart for that long right now. But she’s agreed to therapy.”

Logan would do it if that was what was best for Veronica; he could give her up happily for thirty, sixty, even ninety days; but to be honest, it kind of seemed like Veronica might have a nervous breakdown if she had to leave for that long.

Theirs isn’t the most typical of circumstances; Veronica went through a massive amount of trauma recently- on top of all the buried shit from their teens and childhoods. Since Logan is a huge part of her support system, and losing him was basically the entire trigger for her alcoholism, it might have done more harm than good to separate them so soon after reuniting.

“Look, man,” Wallace starts gently. “I love Veronica, and I always will. But sometimes I feel like I barely know that woman anymore. V’s always been closed off and guarded, but she wasn’t _mean_ , you know? She had that gooey marshmallow core. These past few months… It’s like all she cared about was that next drink, and god help you if you tried to stand in her way. But it’s not like I can really blame her, you know? The shit that happened to her was horrific.

“If you coming back was the kick in the pants she needed to get back on track, then I’m glad, believe me. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up when you haven’t seen how bad it’s been.”

Part of Logan wants to puff up in defense of his wife; another part hates that Wallace is giving voice to his hidden doubts; pretty much all of him is happy that he fielded this call first, instead of Veronica.

“I appreciate that,” he says in the end. “And I understand where you’re coming from.” His voice drops down to a whisper. “But if you’re not ready to be 100 percent supportive of Veronica, then you can’t talk to her. She’s at a fragile stage right now.”

Wallace sounds a bit offended. “Of course I’m gonna be supportive. Just… supportive and prepared if something goes wrong.”

“Silently prepared,” Logan warns. They’ve gotta get her recovery off the ground, and the last thing she needs is the implication that she’s not strong enough to do it.

“Absolutely.”

Logan sighs. “Then… do you want to talk to her? She’s been worried about your reaction.”

“Yeah, man, put her on.”

Opening the door, Logan catches Veronica’s gaze as she hastily looks down at the magazine in her lap. He gives her a reassuring smile and holds out the phone. “Want to talk to Wallace?”

Veronica glances up again, seeming bolstered by his expression, and holds her hand out for the phone. Taking it, she takes a deep breath. “…Hi Wallace.”

Wallace’s voice comes through the other end, an indistinct murmur, and she smiles, looking at Logan. “Yeah… It’s incredible.” She tears up a little and her voice wobbles. “I never thought…” Taking a few deep breaths, her voice stabilizes. “He’s been amazing.”

Leaning against the couch, Logan watches as Veronica bites her lip. “…Yeah. Wallace, I have to apologize. I know I’ve been a terrible friend.” A few beats of silence. “Yeah, but that’s not an excuse.”

At whatever Wallace says in reply, she smiles shakily. “Okay, it’s a deal. Snickerdoodles?” Veronica laughs at his response, and Logan’s heart melts to see her stress lift and a smile on her face. “Thank you, Wallace,” she continues, her voice soft. “You’re the best.”

With a warm look, she passes the phone back to Logan. “Hey Wallace,” he greets him again. “Did I hear a cookie bribe being discussed?”

“You know it,” Wallace confirms. “I’ve missed V’s baking. And it’ll keep her busy since she’s not investigating anymore.”

At this Logan pauses, then heads back toward the bedroom. “She’s not?” he asks cautiously, closing the door behind him. He’d known that she hasn’t been working with her dad lately, mainly trying to cope with her grief and self-medicating with alcohol, but Wallace’s words make that sound more permanent than circumstantial.

As if realizing he’s stepped into something he shouldn’t, Wallace hesitates. “Well,” he fumbles, “maybe she’ll change her mind, now that you’re back.”

“What do you mean?” Logan asks, with trepidation.

“She just… after the explosion, she said she was quitting investigating. That she was done.” After a moment of silence, Wallace continues. “I guess you guys haven’t talked about that yet.”

“…No, we haven’t. There’s been a lot going on.” Logan clears his throat. “Thanks for letting me know, I’ll talk about it with Veronica when things calm down a little.” He quickly changes the subject. “Is Shae around? How are she and Noah?”

Wallace rolls with the new topic. “They’re good, man. We’ve all missed you, though. You’re our friend, too, not just Veronica’s husband- I hope you know that.”

At this, Logan smiles warmly. “Thanks, Wallace. I know.” While it had taken a while for Wallace to warm up to him, they’d eventually hit it off and become fairly close friends. Even if he knew he’d probably been missed, it’s always nice to hear you’re valued- especially right now, when Logan is feeling so lost and out of sorts. Veronica knew what she was doing when she encouraged him to call their friends; he really needed that extra support, more than he realized.

“Actually, Shae and Noah are out right now, having a little mother son bonding time. But I’ll talk to her when they get back, let her know you called. I’m sure she’ll want to talk to you.”

“Okay, sounds good. If she waits until tomorrow, Keith’s coming over, so I should be a bit more available to talk. I still have to call Mac tonight, and I don’t want to leave Veronica alone too long.”

“Speaking of coming over…” Wallace says leadingly. “When’s a good time to drop by? Normally I’d be over there tomorrow, but is that too much of a full house?”

“I’ll talk to Veronica tomorrow and see how she’s feeling,” Logan replies. “She’s gonna be sick for a while, and she needs her rest, so you wouldn’t be able to stay for too long, but I’m sure she’d like to see you.”

They say their goodbyes and hang up, but Logan’s still distracted by what Wallace said about Veronica giving up investigating. She loves detective work; it’s always invigorated her… But she has seemed lost lately, even before he disappeared- unhappy and uncertain. He hadn’t been sure if it was her work or their relationship or something else entirely.

They’re definitely going to need to have a discussion about this once Veronica’s feeling better; Logan adds it to the quickly growing pile of things that need to be dealt with.

As he opens the door, a pillow nearly whacks him in the face; only his quick reflexes save him. A quick glance reveals Veronica to be the culprit, scowling and grabbing another pillow off the couch in preparation to throw. “Why am I being bombarded?” Logan jokes, moving closer.

“What were you guys saying about me?” she bites out, clearly in a bad mood. Given that this was closely preceded by anxiety, teariness, and happy smiling in rapid succession, Logan feels like this _may_ be a withdrawal-induced mood swing.

“Only good things,” Logan promises, sitting down next to her. “What, you haven’t bugged my phone yet?”

“Don’t tempt me,” she snaps, folding her arms.

After taking a closer look, Logan notices that she seems genuinely upset, not just grumpy. “Hey, what’s going on?” he coaxes, putting a hand on her arm.

Veronica wavers and softens a little. “Quit disappearing,” she says unhappily. “You go off in the bedroom like you want to get away from me or talk about me behind my back.”

Her words send a pang of remorse through him. “Veronica, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” It’s true that he didn’t want her to overhear their conversation, but he was just trying to protect her, shield her from hearing anything remotely negative. “I love being around you, and none of us would gossip behind your back.” He gives her a reassuring squeeze, and she opens her arms, wordlessly asking for a hug.

When he opens his arms in return, she curls into him, latching on tightly while he strokes her hair. “Sorry,” she mutters. “I’m being crazy right now.”

“No, you’re not,” he assures her. “I won’t disappear anymore. We’ll just hang out in the living room.”

They do just that for a while, cuddling and trading soft kisses, neither of them trying to take things further. “How’s your nausea?” Logan asks after some time has passed.

“Getting better,” Veronica replies. “I think I could keep something down.”

“Great,” he says, getting up. “I’ll heat up some of the rice for you, and we can call Mac after we eat if you still want to.”

Veronica gives him a thumbs up, then curls on her side, folding the blanket around herself and shutting her eyes. Between the poor sleep, nausea, and cravings, she must be exhausted- not to mention all the emotional stuff on top of it.

Entering the kitchen area, Logan grabs the rice he made earlier out of the fridge. He hesitates with the door still open, staring at the meat drawer, then makes a quick grab for the salmon, not allowing himself to second guess the decision.

Grabbing a knife, he cuts off a little piece of the fillet- like a slice of home-made sashimi. He tells himself he’s only going to have a taste and save the rest to make for Veronica another night, but as soon as the fish touches his tongue, it’s like a burst of flavor and life explodes through him- and before he knows it half the salmon is gone. The taste is exquisite, and as he eats, he feels warmth and vitality flowing through him, filling him with energy like he’s been missing since he first woke up on that sidewalk. He’s not even cutting it anymore, just biting straight into the fillet in his haste to get more of that feeling.

Logan feels like he might cry in relief; the sudden absence of hunger and emptiness after days of confusion and pain is like a drug. This is what he’s been missing.

And then the salmon is gone, and he’s staring at the empty package, feeling better than he has all week.

_That wasn’t so bad_ , he tells himself faintly. _Maybe I was just craving fish._

_…Yeah fucking right._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick update on my upload schedule: i'm probably not going to be able to do weekly updates anymore, since i've run out of buffer chapters and the next chapter is kicking my ass. i promise i am still working on this story and will try to get new chapters out as soon as possible, it just may not be on a weekly schedule anymore
> 
> thanks as always for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!!


	9. Chapter 9

It’s insane how much better he feels, now that he’s gotten what he needs.

Logan feels like he’s floating. Not only have the aches and pains disappeared, not only is he energized and clearheaded- but finally, at long last, he feels _satisfied_. There’s no yawning pit of emptiness inside him, threatening to swallow him whole, dragging him further down every second it’s denied.

This is definitely _not_ a normal reaction, but Logan almost can’t bring himself to care, in the face of the sheer relief washing over him.

Almost.

Abruptly, he’s struck with an urge to turn to Veronica and tell her everything. But when he turns his head to look for her, his gaze meets the back of the couch, where she is curled small and vulnerable, already going through hell. Is he really going to hand her another mystery to solve right now? A series of bizarre clues that might add up to take him away from her again?

Why would he put her through that stress when he doesn’t know anything concrete yet?

~~Except that there’s something wrong with him, something abnormal.~~

~~Why would he risk telling her, when she might pull away in fear or disgust?~~

The unanswered questions bounce erratically around his head, his heart beating faster and faster until he feels like he might pass out-

And then he hits a wall, and it’s like everything inside him switches off and gets very far away.

Logan starts moving- slowly, calmly, blankly. He spoons some rice onto a plate, mechanically going through the motions of preparing food for his wife. Calmer now, outside the situation, he feels his heartbeat slowing.

There’s no need to talk to Veronica until the doctor checks him out; surely they’ll be able to tell if something truly dangerous is happening. Maybe there’s a perfectly normal explanation, or maybe it’s some strange disease he’s never heard of.

But after that, it’s unavoidable; he and Veronica are going to have to have a talk about what’s been going on with him.

Decision made, his mind goes blank, and time seems to blur away from him.

As the microwave beeps its completion, Logan comes back to reality with a jolt, back to his body. Everything around him fades back in, becoming sharp and vivid again.

His first impulse is to call Jane and schedule an appointment, because he thinks he may have just dissociated- but he can’t do that right now; she doesn’t even know he’s alive.

He takes a deep breath; holds it, then lets it out slowly, trying to calm himself. Obviously, there are some very strong feelings connected to his food issues, but he’s feeling physically better now, and he already decided not to do anything until he met with a doctor, so maybe he should just leave things alone until then.

Logan knows it’s hypocritical to hide things from Veronica, especially right now. And maybe he’s being a coward by avoiding the issue. But, he tells himself, he will tell her soon, even if it scares the shit out of him. He just can’t put any more weight on her shoulders, when she’s barely hanging on as is.

Pushing those feelings down, he brings the rice over to Veronica, who opens her eyes and blinks owlishly as he approaches. He spoons some out for himself as well, just so they can eat together.

 _Sashimi and rice- that’s a perfectly normal meal_ , he thinks, half hysterically.

Veronica picks up on his strange mood almost immediately. “You doing okay, sailor?” she asks, peering at him closely.

“Yes, ma’am,” he replies, and she makes a face at the term.

“Ugh, for the millionth time, I’m not a ma’am.”

“Yes, dearest darlingest wife,” he corrects himself with a grin, and she kicks him lightly.

“Quit it, or you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”

Logan adopts an expression of innocent contrition. “Sorry, my little lovely love.” She hits him with a pillow while he laughs.

Bantering with Veronica, Logan feels himself relaxing; just looking at Veronica, talking to her and being near her, really does help him. He turns back to his meal. The food is plain, but it somehow tastes _so much_ better than when he had it for lunch earlier, and he comes away still feeling pleasantly full.

“Alright,” Veronica commands after she’s done eating. “Time to call Mac.”

“Okay, bossy,” Logan teases, pulling out his phone. He’s a little apprehensive about this upcoming conversation, especially since he promised Veronica that he wouldn’t retreat to the bedroom anymore. _Please let this go well_ , he prays as he pulls up Mac’s number, _please let this go well._

Mac picks up on the first ring. “Logan?”

For a second, he’s shocked into silence. “Hi, Mac,” he recovers. “It’s me. It sounds like you were expecting my call?”

“Wallace called me,” she admits, unrepentant. “But hearing is believing, in this case.”

“Ah,” Logan says, a swell of relief rushing through him. If Wallace has already briefed Mac on the relevant details, that makes his job much easier. “I should have expected that.”

“Gossip travels faster than the speed of light,” she confirms. “But I’m offended I was last on your list.”

“You know what they say about saving the best…” Logan defends himself, though he can tell by her voice that she’s joking.

“Flatterer,” Mac retorts. “I already got the rundown from Wallace, but I want to hear it from you. What happened?”

He gives her a quick summary of the facts, in his own words, and she lets out a thoughtful hum. “You guys always do bring me the most interesting cases… I started working on the traffic cam footage from the nearby lights as soon as I got off the phone with Wallace, so I should have some info for you within a day or two.”

“Thank you, Mac,” Logan replies sincerely. “What would we do without you?”

“Wither and die?” she quips back, then falls silent for a moment, as if realizing who she’s talking to. “Anyway… Good to have you back, Logan.” Blowing past the moment before he can acknowledge or respond, she continues. “Is it true, about Veronica? She agreed to get sober?”

“She did,” he confirms, squeezing her hand. “She’s sitting right here next me- already made it through the first day.”

Veronica smiles tightly as the conversation comes around to her.

“…Glad to hear it,” Mac responds after a moment. “Good for her.”

_I guess that’s another one of those seeing is believing type things._

At his questioning look, Veronica nods- yes, she still wants to talk to Mac. “Do you have time to talk to her, or do you need to get going?” he asks, giving Mac an out in case she needs a little more time to process.

“Definitely.” Mac’s voice sounds much steadier. “Hand her over.”

Somewhat apprehensively, Logan passes the phone to his wife, keeping a comforting hand in hers.

As Veronica and Mac talk over the next few minutes, the tension slowly drains out of her; despite the withdrawal, she looks so much happier knowing that her friends are still on her side. Logan was sure they’d be supportive, but it’s good to have confirmation.

The two of them seem to joke and keep the conversation light, as usual. Veronica and Mac both have “acts of service” as their love language, and they tend to avoid mushy talks about feelings. By showing up again and again, by joking like everything’s normal, by working on Logan’s case without being asked, Mac is showing her support; she doesn’t need to say anything more.

Promising to keep them updated on her investigation, Mac offers to tag along with Wallace when he comes to visit, and when Veronica hangs up the phone, she looks so much more settled than she’s looked all day. Finally, she’s taken the first steps toward mending her broken relationships, and they’ve all accepted the initial overture- what a relief it must be.

Logan opens his arms and she falls into them gratefully, taking comfort in his embrace. This, right here, is where they’re supposed to be- reunited at last. Veronica is on the path to recovery, and Logan can’t fuck it up, no matter what bizarre circumstances surround his return. He can’t lose this.

~

The next day, Veronica is not quite so cheery. The second stage of withdrawal kicked in last night, bringing with it increased vital signs, irritability, and buckets of sweat. Veronica’s taken three showers since then, but she keeps getting sticky again, which feeds into her bad mood.

Logan had tried to broach the subject of Dick dropping by later that day, to which Veronica had snappily conceded, warning Logan to “just keep him away from her.” When he’d probed a bit as to what had happened between them, Veronica had nearly bitten his head off telling him to mind his own business. She’d ignored him for about half an hour, flipping through a magazine in frosty silence, before cozying up to him apologetically, clinging and cuddling, sweetly kissing his shoulder.

The back and forth is enough to give him whiplash, and by the time Keith shows up with lunch, Logan’s relieved to welcome reinforcements on board; just because he understands the reason doesn’t make it pleasant to get snapped at all the time.

Veronica looks surprised to see Keith as he steps inside the apartment, Logan taking his bags. “Dad? What are you doing here?”

Logan and Keith exchange a worried look. “We agreed I’d come stay with you guys for a few days, remember? Did you change your mind?”

She seems taken aback for a moment, and then her expression clears. “Oh, right. No, thanks for coming.” As worrying as it may seem, the doctor warned them that there would probably be some mental confusion as her symptoms progressed, so Logan tries to tamp down his concern.

Keith goes in for a hug, ignoring Veronica’s protests, and she relaxes into the embrace after a moment. “Fine, share the sweat,” she grumbles halfheartedly, but her face betrays her true feelings: she’s happy to be in her father’s arms again. For his part, Keith clutches at her desperately, looking like he might cry- but when he pulls back, he’s all smiles again.

The Marses always put up a strong front.

They’ve switched out the sheets so Keith can take the bed, while Veronica sleeps on the couch and Logan camps out beside her on the floor. His father-in-law tries to protest, insisting that he’d be fine on the couch and Veronica should take the bed while she recovers, but neither of them will budge an inch. “No way, Pops,” Veronica says sternly. “Those old bones need their rest. Besides, I like it out here; I’m all comfy already.” As if to demonstrate, she pats the couch cushions, where it’s immediately apparent that they’ve been spending the majority of their time out here anyway. The blankets and bedsheets are rumpled from use, with books and magazines strewn about.

In the end, Keith reluctantly agrees to take the bedroom.

Now that Veronica’s nausea has mostly passed, Logan’s back to trying to feed her as much as possible, so it’s time for lunch; laying the Chinese takeout Keith brought over out on the kitchen table, they all dig in. Logan tries to nudge a few of the dishes containing vegetables Veronica’s way, spooning himself a bit of everything as he does. The incident yesterday seems so strange and far-fetched, it’s like it happened in a dream. He’s eating normally now, isn’t he? It tastes okay.

Maybe what happened was just a one-time thing, some weird craving from an unbalanced diet.

After lunch, they check in with Veronica and see how she’s feeling; the consensus is “still crappy, but well enough for Mac and Wallace to come for a visit”, so they give them the all clear to head on over. Veronica and Logan go for a quick walk around the neighborhood in the meantime, while Keith rests from his drive.

It’s a beautiful day outside, not too hot or too cold- just perfect Southern California weather- and it’s good for Veronica to get out of the apartment. The sunshine seems to improve her mood, and she holds tight to Logan’s hand as they walk. “Sorry I’ve been such a bitch today,” she says, her gaze fixed straight ahead. “It’s like everything is setting me off.”

Logan brings her hand to his mouth and kisses it. “I like you even when you’re bitchy. Sometimes _especially_ when you’re bitchy.”

This makes Veronica grin a little, and she squeezes his hand. “Still, you haven’t done anything wrong. Sorry for taking it out on you.”

Here’s where he would normally insert an innuendo about how he wouldn’t mind her taking her _frustration_ out on him, but he lets the moment pass, smiling at her instead.

~

When they get back to the apartment, Veronica heads straight for the shower, leaving Keith and Logan alone together for the first time. He ambles over to where Keith is sitting. “How’re you doing, Keith?”

His father-in-law sighs and smiles faintly. “Can’t complain. How about you?” In truth, Keith’s not looking too great. The stress of Veronica’s downward spiral must have aged him pretty seriously during the past seven months.

Still, Logan’s mouth twitches upwards, into a smile. “Same here.”

“How’s she been?” Keith asks, lowering his voice and glancing toward the bathroom, where the sound of the shower running can be heard.

“She’s been okay,” Logan reassures him. “Grumpy as fuck today, but I can’t blame her.” Catching Keith’s gaze, Logan holds it steadily with his own. “Veronica’s strong. She’ll make it through this.”

“Don’t I know it,” Keith agrees with a wistful look.

She’s had to be _too_ strong sometimes, with everything she’s been through. But she doesn’t have to do it alone- they’re all going to be there for her, Logan especially. He can’t erase the past seven months of absence, but now that they’ve been reunited, he isn’t going to leave her side.

Once Veronica gets out of the shower, the three of them reconvene on the couch and turn on the TV while they wait for the others to arrive.

“By the way, I finally got ahold of that doctor I know,” Keith says. “He’s out of town this week but he says he can see you as soon as he gets back.”

“That’s great!” Veronica replies with a wobbly smile. “Do you know when that’ll be?”

“He should get back in town on Thursday, so he can see you on Friday.” Almost a week from now- it’s a bit longer than Logan hoped for, but he supposes it’s not that easy to find a trustworthy medical professional to check you out under the table. And there’s a small part of him that’s grateful he won’t have to bring up his strange food-related issues to Veronica just yet, though he was hoping to get some answers soon. Maybe he’s right and it was just a one-time thing.

“Thanks, Keith, for setting that up,” he says gratefully. He’s sure that getting the all-clear from the doctor would put both his and Veronica’s minds at ease.

Mac and Wallace drop by mid-afternoon, giving Veronica hugs as they enter (long on Wallace’s part, short on Mac’s). As Wallace pulls back, Logan hears him whisper, “Proud of you,” in Veronica’s ear, which makes her tear up a little.

Mac, upon seeing Logan, gives him a quick one-armed squeeze, then seems to have reached her touchy-feely quota, while Wallace pulls him into a tight hug after releasing Veronica.

“It’s good to see you, man,” Wallace says, releasing him with a friendly pat on the back. “Hard to believe you’re really back.”

“Good to be back,” Logan says with a glance at his wife. She shifts closer at the mention of his disappearance, and he takes her hand and squeezes it reassuringly.

After Wallace and Mac greet Keith, the four of them congregate in the living room, settling on the couch to talk.

“I’ve been working on that traffic cam footage from the nearby lights,” Mac says, “and I should have access by tomorrow. You can’t have been laying there too long or someone would have noticed and tried to check on you, so we can check the cars going in and out of the area around that time, see if anything looks suspicious.”

“Thanks, Mac. Keep us updated,” Veronica orders gratefully.

They only stay for about an hour, because despite her best efforts, Veronica’s energy is waning, and Logan can see her getting tired out. He subtly signals to the other two that the visit is over, and they pick up on the cue, mentioning that they’d better get going. “Shae’s watching Noah, but I told her I’d be back for dinner, so I better hit the road.”

“We carpooled,” Mac says cheerfully, gesturing towards Wallace. “Save the planet!”

Standing up, they head towards the door, the rest of them following to bid them adieu.

“Thanks for coming,” Keith says with a smile.

“It was good to see you,” Logan adds.

As they reach the door, Veronica hesitates. “Thank you, guys. You really… It means a lot.”

“Hey,” Wallace jokes, pointing at Veronica. “I ain’t doing this for free. You still owe me those snickerdoodles.”

She presses her hand to her chest dramatically, as if wounded. “I see how it is. Your friendship comes with a price!”

Mac glances between them in mock surprise. “Snickerdoodles? That’s the first I’m hearing of it. Where’s my cookie bribe?”

“Fine, you’re included too. Twist my arm, why don’tcha?” Veronica replies, shaking her head ruefully.

On that note, the two of them head out, Wallace promising to have Shae call Logan when he gets home. Between Logan and Keith, they manage to get Veronica to lie down for a bit and rest, the two of them flanking her on the couch as she cuddles up between them.

Logan places a hand on her forehead as she lies down. Frowning, he takes her pulse, which is thready and uneven. “You feeling okay?” he asks her. “You’re a little warm.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Veronica mumbles, and Keith squeezes her foot.

“Hang in there, kiddo.”

Veronica makes a noise of protest when Logan stands, but “I’ll be right back,” he promises. Grabbing some Gatorade from the fridge, and some water for Keith, Logan brings the drinks over to the couch, handing them to the Marses. “Drink this before you lay down,” he tells Veronica, smoothing her hair back. “It’s got electrolytes.”

“Yum, electrolytes!” Veronica says with fake cheer as she sips at the drink. “And it’s my favorite flavor- blue!”

“The radioactive color really screams ‘this is safe to put inside my body,’” Keith jokes.

After finishing her drink, Veronica lays back down for a nap, while Logan and Keith read nearby, keeping her company while she rests. A while later, Logan’s phone rings, and he excuses himself to the bedroom to take a call from Shae.

It’s good to hear from her and get caught up on what’s been going on with the Fennels; most of his call with Wallace had been taken up by explanations about his return and Veronica’s sobriety, but Wallace has already filled Shae in on the situation, and she and Veronica have never been especially close, so they focus much more on what’s been happening since he last saw her. She sends him a few new pictures of Noah- Logan can’t believe how big he’s getting!- and gently asks about how he’s coping, but she backs off when he gives a vaguely positive answer, merely saying that she’s there if he wants to talk.

Logan smiles as he hangs up the phone. If you’d told him ten years ago, he never would have believed how many people he has in his life that care about him. Hell, sometimes he still can’t believe it.

Stepping outside, Logan starts making dinner- pasta with chicken. He wants to feed Veronica before Dick gets here in a few hours, and Keith is a guest; Logan waves him off when he offers to help.

The smell of cooking soon wakes Veronica up from her nap, and the Marses migrate to the kitchen. The three of them gather together, chatting and bantering about nothing, and Logan smiles, ducking his head.

It sure is nice to be part of the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took forever to write, and i'm still not happy with it, but hey- at least it's finally done
> 
> thank you guys for sticking with me <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for discussion of drug use/addiction

Nine-thirty rolls around, and Logan’s phone lights up with a text from Dick: _im here._

Smiling a little, he looks up from his phone. “Hey, Dick just got here; I’m gonna step outside for a little bit.”

Keith nods but Veronica sits up, her face pale and anxious. “You’re leaving?”

Logan flashes her a reassuring smile. “Not going far- I’ll be right outside. Unless you’d rather have Dick come in… You just didn’t seem thrilled with having him come over earlier, and I know you guys aren’t on great terms.” Now more than ever, he wants to respect Veronica’s boundaries, and inviting Dick into her apartment seemed like a great way to stress her out. But if it would be more stressful for him to leave…

“Whatever you’re more comfortable with,” he finishes, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears.

Veronica chews on her lip, her gaze flicking between Logan and the front door. “He can come in,” she decides grudgingly. “Maybe you guys could hang out in the bedroom.” Apparently her separation anxiety is stronger than her distaste for all things Casablancas.

“If you’re sure,” Logan says, peering at her closely, and she nods in response. “Okay then.” He texts Dick to come on up, sending him the apartment number and standing by the door to wait for him.

Soon enough, there’s a knock on the door, and Logan pulls it open to reveal Dick. He doesn’t look great- bags under his eyes and a worn out look on his face like he’s been partying more than sleeping- but he lights up when he sees Logan.

“Dick,” Logan starts to say, and that’s all he can get out before he’s being tackled in a fierce bear hug, Dick clinging to him and squeezing with all his might.

“You’re really here,” he’s muttering under his breath. “Holy shit, you’re here.”

Logan returns the embrace, suddenly reminded of their freshman year of college, Dick breaking down in his arms. “I’m here,” he promises. “I’m back.”

After a minute or so, Dick pulls back with a sniffle, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Holy fuck,” he chokes out, dashing his hand across his face to wipe them away. Finally, they move away from the open doorway, entering the apartment, where Veronica and Keith have been studiously pretending not to notice their reunion.

“Hey Mr. Mars.” Dick nods in greeting, and Keith lifts his hand in a wave. “…Ronnie.”

“Hi Dick,” Veronica returns, an unreadable expression on her face. Her voice is chilly but not glacial, and there’s a note of unwelcome sympathy, perhaps, after seeing Dick’s emotional reaction to his return.

“So…” Dick glances around. “New apartm-”

“Bye dick,” she cuts him off dismissively, looking down at her phone and tapping away at it.

Logan tugs at Dick’s sleeve, jerking his head towards the other room. “Come on, let’s go sit down.”

They step into the bedroom and close the door behind them. Dick, of course, has to make a joke of it. “Not that I don’t love you, man, but your wife is in the next room over, and I’m pretty sure she already wants to chop off Dick Junior, if you know what I mean.”

Logan makes a face. “First of all, if I was going to have an extramarital affair, it definitely wouldn’t be with you. Second, I’ve heard enough about Dick Junior to last a lifetime, so quit trying to show me your junk. Third… It’s good to see you, man.” He reaches out and puts a hand on Dick’s shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Dick reaches up and puts his hand over Logan’s, looking a bit emotional again. “It’s really sucked since you’ve been gone.”

“Yeah?” Logan prompts gently. “Tell me about it.”

Dick’s quiet for a moment, but after a few beats of silence, he slowly starts to talk. Their friendship was never built on deep or emotional conversation, but Dick pretty much has no one in his life who’s truly there for him, other than Logan. If he needs to talk, Logan’s here to listen.

Dick still doesn’t go much beyond the surface level of what he’s been up to these past seven months, but even that’s enough to tell Logan that his own and Richard Casablancas Sr.’s back to back deaths had triggered a resurgence of Dick’s depression, and that after a dark period where he basically couldn’t get out of bed, he’d thrown himself deeper than ever into partying, turning to riskier highs to combat the lower lows.

The story strikes an uncomfortable chord, for multiple reasons. It echoes his own downward spiral, sophomore year of college- and Veronica’s recent struggles. She’d hate to be compared to Dick, but it seems like they’d both turned to substance abuse to self-medicate their grief.

“How often have you been using?” Logan asks seriously. Is everyone he cares about doomed to become an addict? His mom, Carrie, Veronica, and now Dick?

Dick shrugs halfheartedly. “Not that often. It’s not like you were, back when Ronnie left you. I just wanted to feel good for once.”

“Heroin? Coke? Meth?”

“Mostly coke. It barely even counts.” At Logan’s disbelieving look, he grimaces. “Okay, it counts, but like I said, I wasn’t using that often. Just when I’m partying.” From what he’d said, it seems like that’s been near-constantly lately.

“I’m worried about you, man,” Logan tells him. “I don’t want to lose you to this.”

“You don’t gotta worry,” Dick says seriously, returning his gaze. “It was just a little pick-me-up.”

“And how many times did I give you the same excuse?” Logan bats back. “You never let me pull that shit. You were there for me when I got clean; if you need me, I’m here for you.”

Dick grins faintly. “I know; that’s what makes you a real bro.”

Logan sighs. If Dick isn’t ready to admit he has a problem, there’s not much he can do about it. As things stand, he’s got his hands full with Veronica. Still… “I want you to promise me to stay away from the hard stuff from now on. Please? For me? I don’t have so many friends that I can go throwing them away.”

“No problemo, as the Mexicans say.” Grin growing wider, Dick knocks his shoulder playfully against Logan’s.

“And think about rehab,” Logan adds.

“No promises.”

They talk for a little bit longer, inconsequential chatter meant to smooth over the emotional stuff that came before, take them back to safer waters. But soon enough, Logan brings up a question that he can’t wait any longer to have answered.

“So, you mentioned you and Veronica argued at the funeral… Care to give me some details on that?”

Dick freezes, aware that he’s in dangerous territory now. “We were both pretty upset,” he begins hesitantly.

“I’m sure that’s true,” is Logan’s even reply.

“We were both angry,” Dick continues slowly. “And she tore into me a little. But I guess I kinda lost it and gave back as good as I got. Looking back, I was harsher than I should’ve been.”

That gives him almost no new information. “I’m asking what you said to her, Dick. What exactly did you say to my wife at my funeral?”

Holding his breath, Dick looks away. “I pretty much… blamed her for what happened. I said it was her fault you were dead.”

White hot rage fills Logan and his fist shoots out without conscious decision, nailing Dick in the face. “You fucking did _what_!? In what universe did you think I’d be okay with that?” he spits.

Dick shoots back upright with a glare. “You were gone! I didn’t think it really mattered what you wanted!”

His fist shoots out a second time, bloodying Dick’s nose, and then, taking a few deep breaths, he restrains himself. “…Get out,” he says quietly, flexing his hand.

For the first time, Dick looks afraid. “Logan…”

Logan grits his teeth. “I can’t fucking look at you right now. Just get out.”

Hesitantly, like a whipped puppy, Dick starts heading for the door, blood running down his face. He stops several times, as if waiting for Logan to call him back, but Logan remains silent. Still, as he reaches for the door handle, Logan speaks up despite himself.

“…I need some time to cool off. Remember what you promised me, okay?”

Dick’s whole body melts in relief at the sign that Logan still cares, that he’s not being thrown away. Despite how angry he still is, it hurts Logan’s stomach to see.

“Okay. Call me when you’re ready, dude.”

Both of them step outside the bedroom, where Veronica and Keith are peering worriedly at them, looking a bit startled by Dick’s bloody nose.

“Bye Ronnie. Bye Mr. Mars.” Dick crosses over to the apartment door, then looks back at Logan. “I’m sorry, man.”

Logan’s jaw works. “I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”

Dick flicks his gaze over to where Veronica sits; he nods, then slips outside, closing the door behind him.

“…I’m guessing that could have gone better,” Keith breaks the silence.

“Yeah,” Logan says shortly. “Keith, could you give me a minute with Veronica?”

Groaning, Keith stands and stretches. “It’s time for a bathroom break anyway.” He ambles out of the way while Logan takes deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

Veronica looks apprehensive as he goes to sit by her. “So, what did you want to talk about?” she says, sounding like she already knows.

“Why didn’t you tell me what he said to you?” Logan asks softly, taking her hand. “I never would’ve had him over if I’d known it was that bad.”

Veronica shakes her head, frowning. “That’s not… I was a major bitch to him, too. I mean, yeah, it hurt- it hurt like hell- but we were both lashing out because we were in pain and we missed you.”

“That doesn’t make it okay for him to hurt you,” Logan argues. It kills him to think of Veronica grieving, in so much pain, and then to have that made worse by someone he called a friend. He cares about Dick, and he’s worried about him right now, but how can he stay friends with someone who would hurt the person he loves most like that, kick her when she’s down?

On the other hand, how can he abandon him when he’s so alone?

“I know it doesn’t. And I still think he’s an asshole. Dick and I will never be besties, believe me,” she says, rolling her eyes a little. “But I don’t want you to lose your friend… and even Dick doesn’t deserve to be alone. I lived without you for seven months; I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

Logan stares at her for a moment in disbelief. “…Veronica Mars, you are amazing.”

“I’ve often thought so,” she preens, tossing her hair.

“How does it feel, being the most amazing human being on the planet?” Logan murmurs, leaning in to kiss her.

“On the planet?” she says between kisses. “I’ve been upgraded.” They kiss again and again, Veronica clutching at him as they start to become more heated, and then there’s a knock on the bathroom door.

“Is it safe to come out now?” Keith calls, and they break apart.

“Yep! All clear!” Veronica yells back, and her dad opens the door.

Keith limps out, leaning on his cane. “Anything I should know about?” He sweeps his eyes over the two of them, clearly wondering if he needs to seek revenge on his daughter’s behalf.

Predictably, Veronica shrugs it off. “Just Dick living up to his namesake. No biggie.” Logan cuts her a sharp glance at that, but she ignores him and smiles for her father.

“I see.” Keith arches an eyebrow skeptically, flicking his gaze to Logan instead, but he just shrugs unhappily. Veronica’s already made her feelings known, and if she doesn’t want to share with her dad, in this case at least, there’s no pressing need to. “I’m here if you wanna talk, kiddo.”

Keith doesn’t press any further, heading into the bedroom to grab his pajamas and get ready for bed; while Logan agrees that now’s not the best time, he does wonder if that’s where some of the Mars’s problems have been coming from- Veronica insisting that she’s fine, and Keith taking her at her word.

Opening his arm for Veronica to cuddle into- which she happily does- Logan tries to untense, but inside, some part of him is still fuming. He knows he’s going to need some time before he’s willing to see Dick again, and there’s going to be conditions- including but definitely not limited to a sincere apology to Veronica.

He strokes his thumb over Veronica’s hip as he thinks, rubbing it in soothing circles. As angry as he still is, Logan probably will take Dick back eventually, even if he won’t forgive and certainly won’t forget. He and Dick have been through it all together; Dick’s stuck with him through thick and thin, even when he didn’t deserve it. The least he can do is return the favor.

He would’ve cut him out if that’s what Veronica needed, but it means a lot that she gave him her blessing to keep Dick in his life; she really does have an ooey-gooey marshmallow center.

“Thank you, Veronica.” He nudges her and smiles, feeling sappy. “You take such good care of me.”

There’s a fragile look on her face when he says that, as if she doesn’t know how to react, or doesn’t believe it’s true- but then she covers it with a smile. “The things guys will say to get past second base.”

Logan leans in to kiss her gently but draws back when their lips meet. “Whoa, Veronica. You’re burning up.” Pressing a hand to her forehead, he frowns. “I think you might have a fever.”

Keith pops his head out of the bedroom, as if summoned by the threat to Veronica’s health. “Did I hear the word fever?”

“She’s a little warm,” Logan calls back. “Wait here,” he tells her, “I’ll grab a thermometer.”

With some mild grumbling from Veronica, Keith and Logan take her temperature, both of them waiting anxiously for the results; it turns out to be a low-grade fever, nothing serious yet. Her temperature’s been up all day, so it’s not much of a change, but Logan worries she’s going to hit the next stage of withdrawal soon, and that’s the one they need to worry about.

It takes some coaxing to get Keith to go lay down, but Logan promises to watch over her and alert Keith if her condition changes, and Veronica threatens that she won’t be able to rest if she’s worried about her dad being up all night. Their dual onslaught eventually wins out, and he reluctantly agrees to go to bed.

After convincing his wife to drink some more water, Logan sets up camp on the floor next to Veronica, but it’s too early for him to turn in. They link hands as she dangles her arm off the couch, talking softly about nothing much until her voice fades away into sleep.

~

He has unsettling dreams, of fucking V while she sips disinterestedly from a bottle- “Are you done yet?”- of stepping into Carrie’s bathroom and seeing Veronica’s body laid out in the tub. After jolting awake for the second time, he gives sleep up as a lost cause and rises as silently as possible, trying not to wake Keith or Veronica.

Checking his wife’s temperature by hand, he notes that it’s gone up during the night; she murmurs and shifts at the touch, moving in her sleep to lean into his hand. She’s definitely got a fever, but it still seems low enough that they can probably wait for her to wake up naturally before taking her temperature again- no need to disturb her when she’s finally getting some rest.

Logan frowns as he looks down at her. This stage of withdrawal is where things start getting really dangerous; they’re going to have to keep a close eye on her condition these next few days and hope it doesn’t get too severe.

Picking up his phone, he sees that he has one new text from Dick: _sorry man. lemme know when ur ready to talk._

Logan closes the app without answering and moves to put his phone away, but something stops him; he’s been meaning to take a closer look at those voicemails from Veronica for the past few days, but things have been so crazy… Taking his phone with him, he retreats to the bathroom for some privacy, or as much can be afforded when the bedroom and living room are occupied.

Scrolling through his voicemails, Logan picks an older message, from about three months after his disappearance. There’s a long moment of silence, and Logan almost checks to see if it’s playing, before Veronica’s voice comes through quietly. “I don’t really have anything to say,” she murmurs. “I just wanted to hear your voice… Love you.”

His heart aches to hear her misery, the longing she thought would never be fulfilled. It makes him want to go back out there, scoop her up in his arms and never let her go. But she’s sleeping now, and he doesn’t want to disturb her rest. Besides, he still has more messages to listen to.

Thinking back to a few days ago, Logan remembers the voicemail he listened to while Veronica and Keith were talking. _Sorry about the messages a couple days ago. I think I said some really stupid shit._ Sure enough, there are two voicemails dated three days before the one he’d been thinking of. Logan selects the first one and brings it to his ear.

“Logan, isss V’ronica.” She sounds absolutely trashed. “Where are you? I need you sooo bad righ’ now, you always take care’a me… I think I did somethin’ bad but I can’r’member. Okay, call me! Mwah!”

Jesus fucking Christ, he knew things were bad, but he’s _never_ heard her that drunk before. She was barely coherent. And forgetting he was “dead”, almost six months after it happened?

He checks the date. Actually, it was _exactly_ six months: their six-month wedding anniversary. A feeling of dread washes over him, and he hurriedly clicks on the other message from that night.

It opens with the sound of sobbing. “I’m ssssssorry,” Veronica pleads into the phone. “L’gan, ’m shorry, so sooorry.” She sounds like she can barely talk, but she keeps repeating apologies into the phone over and over again. “Pl’se furgive me baby- sor-ry…” She continues to incoherently repeat the word “sorry” until time runs out on the voicemail message.

Logan stares at the phone in horror. What was she apologizing for? His “death”, or something else?

His heart hammering with dread, he throws open the bathroom door and seeks out Veronica, as if he could find her, calm her tears, stop her from doing anything rash. But the V in the voicemail message is from over a month ago; she’s out of his reach, left behind in the past like the rest of his life during those missing months, and his own Veronica is curled up on the couch, sleeping peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Buffy the Vampire Slayer for Veronica’s response: “I’ve often thought so”, and of course Vmars the show for her second base callback.
> 
> I never intended for addiction to become such a major theme of this fic when I started writing. But when I looked at where the characters were in season 4, it seemed like the logical progression to me, and I wanted to treat the topic with respect and not just brush over it.
> 
> Things have been super crazy in my personal/professional life- I’m interviewing for THREE possible jobs at the moment- and I haven’t had much time or inspiration to write, so updates will probably continue to be slow, but I’m glad I managed to get this chapter done and get it out to you guys :)
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me and I hope you enjoyed!


	11. Chapter 11

The week slumps by into Tuesday, and Veronica’s fever is still going strong.

Her temperature rose rapidly Sunday morning and has hovered between 101 and 103 for the past few days; Keith and Logan have been sleeping in shifts since then, Keith taking the morning shift and Logan staying up at night to sit by Veronica’s side. Veronica had weakly protested the constant watch, but if her fever rises much higher or she has a seizure, they need to get her to a hospital immediately, so she was quickly overruled.

Logan had asked her about the voicemail messages after she woke up on Sunday, but she’d claimed not to remember. “Sorry,” she muttered, cheeks flushed with fever. “I probably just got really drunk and started rambling.” As much as he’d wanted to press further, Veronica was ill, and it was possible she really didn’t remember. He’d unhappily taken her at her word, but promised himself to follow up when the worst of her withdrawal had passed.

She’s been pretty out of it the past few days, tossing and turning, sweating and shivering. Once, she seemed to forget that Logan was alive, crying out when she saw him. “Logan! You… you came back,” she whispered, her eyes swimming with tears.

“I’m right here, Veronica,” he promised, as she clutched him to her, sobbing brokenly.

“You’re alive… you came back… you’re here…” He cradled her in his arms, rocking her back and forth and wondering if they should take her to the hospital, but her tears subsided after a while, and she dropped back into a restless sleep.

Veronica’s appetite disappeared as soon as it had reemerged, though Logan and Keith tried their best to keep her eating, or at least hydrated. And speaking of appetites- Logan’s own hunger had returned with a vengeance, much to his dismay. He’d convinced himself it was a fluke, a one-time thing, but as the days ticked by, his aches and pains returned, and he found himself staring longingly at the meat drawer. _Just three more days until I see a doctor_ , he tells himself. _I can hold out until then._

Mac had sent over the video cam footage of the street, along with a list of any cars that had passed through around that time, and Keith’s been using his PI resources to run the license plates, but so far nothing stands out as suspicious. Veronica had insisted on being involved in combing through the footage, but since her energy is low, realistically a lot of the work falls to Logan and Keith. They’ve sent Mac a few pedestrians to look into but haven’t had much luck so far.

Veronica sleeps a lot, and isn’t up to much when she regains consciousness, so Keith and Logan end up spending a lot of time together in the evenings when they’re both awake. Quietly, when they’re sure she’s asleep, they discuss Logan’s missing months.

“After you… disappeared… Veronica wouldn’t get out of bed. She’d just lay there all day… So when she started going out, at first I thought it was a good sign. Her mood was up, she started interacting with us again… Stupid of me.” Keith shakes his head, his lips pressed tightly together. “It went on for a few months, and I thought she was making good progress, starting to move past what happened. Then I found a bottle of vodka hidden in her room, and I checked the rest of the house… It was pretty clear at that point. So I got together with Mac and Wallace and we sat down and talked to her, but she just blew up at us, said it was none of our business... She moved out the next day.

“After she got her new place, I’d try to pop in and check on her at random times throughout the week, but it made her so angry,” Keith says quietly. “Veronica was always drunk. She’d tell me to get out, scream at me or refuse to open the door. After a few times, she told me that if I wanted to be in her life, I had to do it on her terms, and we set up a weekly appointment for Sundays... Maybe I shouldn’t have caved. I should have kept coming by or tried to throw another intervention. But at least this way, I still got to see her. Once a week, I got confirmation that she was okay, and she let me spend time with her.”

Keith’s face looks ancient, aged by stress and pain. “We could all see how much she was struggling; we just didn’t have a clue how to help her.”

Logan puts a hand on his father-in-law’s shoulder. There’s nothing he can really say.

~

As it turns out, he cannot, in fact, hold out until Friday. That night, when Keith and Veronica are sleeping, Logan creeps over to the fridge and guiltily devours one of the steaks, everything in him settling as he bites into it. It’s not just rare, it’s raw, but it tastes so fucking good, and he can’t help but choke it down, hiding the packaging at the bottom of the trash can and thoroughly brushing his teeth afterwards. Once again, it brings immediate relief, like he’s been starving but was suddenly handed a full-course meal that brought him back from the brink.

This is so beyond normal, it’s absurd, but there’s only a few more days until his appointment, and there he vows to confess all.

Logan switches off with Keith, early morning, and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeping dreamlessly. When he wakes, Veronica’s fever has broken, and she’s up and moving around the apartment.

“Veronica! You’re feeling better?” Logan crosses the kitchen to put his hand on her forehead.

“Lots,” she confirms, leaning into his touch.

“What’s your temperature?”

“She’s down to 99,” Keith answers. “Almost back to normal.”

“Thank god,” Logan says, and gives her a swift kiss on the lips.

“I’m going crazy cooped up in here,” Veronica says, standing on her tiptoes to peck him once more. “Can we go sit outside for a bit?”

Logan shrugs, glancing at Keith. “I don’t see why not.”

The three of them make some sandwiches and bring them outside to the curb, where they sit and have a mini picnic. Veronica eats most of hers, which hopefully means her appetite’s coming back.

“How’s your cravings?” Logan asks, his voice low and concerned.

Veronica looks down, her mouth twisting. “Not great. I mean, I’ve sure got ‘em. But you know, it’s whatever.”

“I’m proud of you, kiddo,” Keith says, and Logan agrees, squeezing her hand. She flashes them a weak smile.

“Speaking of being proud…” Logan starts, glancing at her. “I had an idea about therapy.”

“Great,” Veronica says glumly. “Lay it on me.”

“You should call Jane and ask her for a recommendation. It would be an ethical dilemma for her to see both of us, and addiction’s not really her specialty, but I’m sure she’d know a few people; she could point you in the right direction.”

Veronica rolls her eyes. “I’m sure. Jane is just the _greatest_.”

“Hey,” Logan frowns. “You promised to try.”

“I know,” she sighs, fidgeting. “Sorry, I’m just being snippy. If you think it’s a good idea, I’ll call.”

“I think therapy will be really good for you, sweetheart,” Keith chimes in. “There’s nothing wrong with getting some help.”

“I know,” Veronica says, staring at her feet. “I know.”

~

In the end, she made the call that afternoon, insisting that she might as well get it over with. Jane was pleased to hear from her; she sent over a list of names that might be a good fit, and Veronica set up an initial appointment with one of them for next week.

Keith stayed with them one more night, then drove back to Neptune in the morning. “I’m only a call away,” he promised Veronica, standing in the doorway. “If you need anything at all, just let me know. And I’ll be back in a few days to check in.”

But soon enough, he was on his way, leaving the two of them alone in the apartment for the first time in almost a week.

“Alone at last…” Veronica says suggestively, tugging Logan closer; she kisses him, and he happily responds, but when she moves to deepen it, he pulls back, turning his face away.

“Logan, what’s wrong?” she asks, touching his cheek.

The silence stretches. He hasn’t wanted to talk about this, hasn’t wanted to think of it or bring it up when Veronica was feeling so bad and struggling so much. This is still a bad time; she’s just barely sober. But now that the worst of her withdrawal is reaching its end, he can’t keep it in any longer. He can’t just suck it up and pretend, letting things simmer under the surface.

“…You used sex to manipulate me,” he says quietly, the words falling away from his lips and breaking the silence like rocks thrown in a pond.

“Logan,” she protests, eyes wide. Her hand drops.

“No, Veronica. You used sex to distract me and cover for your alcoholism.” He swallows thickly. _Maybe I just wanna show you how much I love you._ “…More than that, you used our relationship. Used my love for you.”

She knows how badly he craves her love, how deeply he treasures the words. And now the whole memory is poisoned for him. Every time he thinks of it, it makes him doubt everything that came before; if she could lie that easily and he could believe it, then how does he know any of it is true? Every precious memory turns into a sickening charade in his imagination, Veronica bored or disengaged, wishing he was gone.

“You made it something dirty.”

Veronica looks stricken at the words, swaying on her feet like she might fall. “I… Logan, I’m sorry,” she stutters out. “I just- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He purses his lips and wipes roughly at his eyes. “I’m sorry, too, Veronica.”

“I don’t know what else to say,” she whispers. “I can’t take back what I did, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be better.” Her eyes swim, and he wants so badly to take her into his arms.

“I know you are. I’m proud of you. And I will always love you, no matter what. I just need a little space right now. Physically.”

Veronica’s whole body seems to shrink in on itself; she looks so crushed that he almost takes it back immediately. But he knows that if he made love to her now, he would be thinking of that moment the whole time, feeling sick with doubt and disgusted with himself. If he wants their relationship to thrive and for them to grow close again- and he does, more than anything- he needs to find a way to deal with this.

Logan almost goes to kiss her on the forehead, but at the last moment realizes it might bring up bad memories of breakups past. Still, he needs some tactile way to reassure her, so he reaches out and draws her into a hug, checking carefully to see if she’s receptive. Veronica burrows into his arms once he has her there, but makes no attempt to return the embrace, holding her hands close in tight fists by her chest instead.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers thinly.

“I know, sweetheart.” The endearment slips out without permission, but Veronica doesn’t seem to mind. She seems to be trying to get as close as physically possible without actually touching him. “Hey,” he says gently, with a worried swoop in his stomach. “I didn’t mean you couldn’t touch me. I just need to take a break from having sex right now, until I deal with this. I’ll get past it; I just need a little time.”

He has to get past it. The alternative is unthinkable.

Veronica nods but makes no attempt to move, continuing to passively accept his embrace. He would think it was a sign she didn’t want to be hugged, except she’s still plastered against him, nearly shivering with tension. Everything about her screams that she needs to be held right now, so Logan tightens his hold and she lets out a little shuddering sigh.

For the rest of the day, Veronica seems to crave physical affection, but she refuses to initiate- for fear of rejection, or because she doesn’t think she deserves to?- so Logan keeps her close, keeps showering her with signs that he still loves her, still cares. It kills him to see that his words had hurt Veronica like this, but… her actions had hurt him too. It wouldn’t be good for either of them to just try to move past this without dealing with it.

What he really wishes he could do is call Jane and talk through it with her; she’s always been good at helping him work through his feelings and pointing out when he was being illogical. He wishes he could just stop being upset, but then he sees Veronica in his mind’s eye, kneeling between his legs, while he thinks about how much he loves and wants her, and she thinks “Whew, that was a close one! Good thing men are easy to distract”-

-and he just feels sick.

Maybe it was a mistake to bring this up. The last thing he wants to do is trigger a relapse because she feels hurt or rejected… But just because Veronica’s an addict, that doesn’t mean they can never have disagreements again… But maybe it was too soon…

His thoughts swirl in circles and he can’t get them to settle. Veronica’s presence nearby helps, however. They love each other and they’re committed to each other, and that’s enough. Whatever problems they may face, they can work through them together.

It’ll just take time.

~

The day passes somewhat tensely, the two of them circling each other a bit warily but still drawn into each other’s orbit. Logan is chopping up some vegetables for dinner, his mind a million miles away, when the knife slips and he nicks his hand.

“Ouch!”

It’s a minor cut, nothing really worth noticing, except-

“Oh my god, what is that?”

Veronica’s voice, sharp and concerned.

He drops the knife to cover his nose, his hands going numb.

…There’s a horrible, rancid smell coming from the blood oozing out of his finger. It’s a rotten smell, like something decomposing.

“Logan, what-” Veronica gags as she gets close. “What is that smell? …Are you hurt?”

_What the fuck?_

_What the **fuck?**_

He’s frozen, staring at the blood as it drips down his hand and onto the cutting board. Veronica covers her nose as well, grabbing his hand and shoving it under the water. “Stay here,” she says, her voice muffled. “I’ll grab the first aid kit.”

She runs to the bathroom and is back almost immediately, grabbing some bandages. Taking his hand from under the spray, she quickly dries it and slaps a band-aid on it, then layers another one on top of that, crosswise. It’s not a bad cut, shallow and quickly closing, but the smell lingers even after the wound is covered. Veronica glances up at him, uncertain, but he can’t bring himself to say anything, almost in shock. Wordlessly, she takes an ace bandage and wraps it around his finger, on top of the band-aids.

Then she takes him by the arm and leads him over to the couch. “Come on,” she coaxes, “come sit down.”

He sits down heavily, staring at his bandaged finger- at the incontrovertible proof that he really has been in denial. There’s something seriously fucking wrong with him.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Veronica promises, forgetting her earlier hesitation about initiating touch in her urge to comfort. She embraces him, stroking his hair soothingly. “Are you alright? It didn’t look very deep.”

Logan lets out a bark of incredulous laughter. “Not that deep…? Veronica, it smelled like something _rotting_.”

“I know,” she says seriously, her face laser-focused. “Your doctor’s appointment is tomorrow. In the meantime, I’ll get on the internet and see what I can find out. Do you have any other symptoms? Have you been feeling okay lately?”

For a moment, Logan sits there in disbelief. He feels so freakish and disgusting, and Veronica… isn’t reacting that way at all. She hasn’t given any mind to the smell after getting his finger bandaged, immediately shifting into problem solving mode instead. She’s not pushing him away; she’s trying to help.

“I… I’ve been having these cravings,” he confesses, forcing the words out. “For raw meat.”

Veronica’s face doesn’t change at the words; if anything, she just frowns harder, listening carefully.

“It felt like no matter what I ate, I couldn’t get full. And I started to feel really sick and achy, the more time that went by. So eventually I… ate some raw salmon, and I felt better. For a few days. Then it started again and I… I ate the steak.”

“How are you feeling right now?” she asks, scanning him with her eyes. “When did you last eat?”

“I’m fine… a little hungry, but nothing really out of the ordinary. And I… ate… last night.”

“How long have you been feeling this way?” she asks; it’s focused, not accusatory, but he can’t help but feel accused anyway.

“Since I came back,” he admits. “I’m sorry; I should have told you. But I didn’t know what was happening, and I… I didn’t want to worry you. I was going to tell you after I talked to the doctor, I swear.”

“Yeah,” she scowls, whacking his arm. “You _should’ve_ told me. It was really stupid to try to keep this to yourself, especially since you’ve been lecturing _me_ about honesty.” Then she grips him by the face, kissing him long and hard. “You’re gonna be okay, I promise. We’re gonna figure this out.”

“…Veronica,” he chokes out. It feels wrong to touch her, like whatever’s happening to him might be contagious.

…Oh god, what if it’s _contagious_??? He’s been around her constantly, hugging, kissing, having sex, sharing food… Jesus, what if he got Veronica sick?

“This is going to sound crazy, but can we prick your finger and see what happens?” Her face is confused for a moment, then understanding washes over her. She nods seriously, not put off by the request.

They grab a thumb tack and gently press it to the pad of one of Veronica’s fingers until it breaks the skin; a dot of blood emerges, with nothing abnormal about it.

Logan lets out a sigh of relief. It’s not proof that she’s healthy, but it’s something, and they’ll have the doctor look her over tomorrow as well.

“You’re going to be fine. We’re both fine,” Veronica reiterates. For lack of better options, they spray his bandages with Febreeze, as well as the air around them, but the smell is already starting to fade.

Keeping a close grip on him, Veronica grabs her laptop to start researching, then turns on the news for background noise. He tunes it out for the most part, caught up in his own thoughts, until Veronica hits his arm to get his attention. At his questioning glance, she points silently at the screen, her face ashen.

Logan turns to look at the TV, where the headline greets him:

“‘ _Our Baby Came Back to Us’: 7-year-old rises from the dead?_ ”

“…Oh _fuck_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, in life news, I got a job!!! I start next week and I'm so excited. Very lucky to have this opportunity during such a difficult time.
> 
> Secondly... a lot happened this chapter, and we're starting to get some answers. I'm curious to know what you guys think.
> 
> Thank you all for reading and for all your support <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, guys. Please check the end notes for trigger warnings if you need them.

Logan’s curse hangs in the air for a moment as they sit in frozen silence, the only other sound the low, steady chatter of the news station; they can’t seem to tear their eyes away from the screen. Wordlessly, Veronica turns up the volume, her face still stricken.

“… nurses say that they found her wandering around the hospital, calling out for her mother and father,” the newscaster continues as her words come into focus. “Sarah McArthur had supposedly passed away of leukemia five months prior.”

The camera shifts to show footage of a man and woman with their arms around a little girl. “It’s a miracle,” the mother gushes, smiling and crying at the same time. “A beautiful miracle.” The father presses a kiss to the top of his daughter’s head, on the verge of tears himself, and she buries her face in his shirt, overwhelmed by the attention.

The station shifts back to the newscaster, who offers a plastic smile. “Miracle or hoax? Only time will tell. Stay tuned after commercial for this week’s weather report-”

Without conscious thought, Logan’s hand reaches over and shuts the TV off, leaving them in sudden silence. His heart is thudding, his breath thin and thready; he can’t run from this any longer.

The strange sickness, the nightmares, the cravings… all the pieces click into horrific place: he didn’t escape the bomb.

He was dead, and now he’s not.

Some small part of him wants to protest, to insist that the news story really is a hoax, but the rest of him rebels against that- as much as he wants to stay in denial, there’s no other explanation that truly makes sense.

“Logan,” Veronica croaks out, her eyes wide and frightened. Everything in him flinches from that look; but then she reaches out, and she’s grabbing him and squeezing him with such intensity it nearly hurts.

Oh.

Veronica is shaking in his arms, still clinging to him fiercely, and what else can he do but hold her? His arms come up automatically to embrace her.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” she whispers, her voice shaking. “You really…”

“I don’t know,” he replies unsteadily. “…I think so.”

They’re talking around it, not saying the words, but the meaning is perfectly clear to both of them. His death and resurrection.

Haltingly, Veronica takes a gasping breath, then another. He strokes her hair, his first instinct to protect and soothe, but part of his mind is miles away.

He was dead. Not just _heart stopped, not breathing_ but _blown to smithereens, empty casket funeral_ dead. The arms that hold Veronica, the rotting blood that flows through his veins… it’s all just dead flesh. Suddenly, his skin prickles and crawls where he’s touching her, and he feels like he might throw up.

But Veronica is still clutching him tightly and he can’t dislodge her, not when she needs him. They cling to each other in silence, panicked and unsteady, until she finally speaks. “We need to call Mac.”

Logan draws back to look at her, not quite following the non sequitur for once. His brain feels like it’s moving very slowly, as if through a sea of sludge.

“She can… she can help us research, find any other cases that have popped up. If there’s two of you, then…”

“There might be others,” Logan finishes her sentence.

Veronica nods, taking a deep breath. “Maybe they’ll provide some clues as to what’s going on… how this happened. At the very least, we need to find out anything we can about Sarah MacArthur and what connects the two of you.”

That’s his Veronica, her brain always spinning and searching for connections- always trying to solve the mystery.

“Right,” he agrees, clearing his throat and detaching himself from her, for once grateful to leave her embrace. His fingers itch to scratch at the places her warmth lingers, to punish himself for taking refuge in her touch, but the sight of the bandage on his finger stops him. He can’t make himself bleed again.

And he can’t hurt himself in front of Veronica, what is he thinking?

Logan shakes his head to clear it while his wife pulls out her phone, reaching for him again with her free hand. Reluctantly, he takes it; it still feels wrong to make her touch him, now that he knows what he knows, but if she’s reaching out for comfort, the last thing he wants to do is deny her.

“Mac,” she says as soon as the other line picks up. “I need your help.” There’s a brief pause. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m still sober, I promise. …It’s about Logan. Have you seen the news? About Sarah MacArthur… I know it sounds crazy, but-… I do… No, I know. Thank you. Can you help us? Do some digging and find out what’s going on, if there have been any other cases?... There’s been some side effects; I’ll send you the info… Thank you, Mac. You’re a godsend.” Sighing, Veronica hangs up the phone. “She says she’ll help us research and get back in touch tomorrow with whatever she’s found.”

“She believed it, just like that?” Logan asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth,” Veronica quotes in response.

“Hey, you’re stealing my gimmick,” he jokes weakly.

“Seriously, what other explanation is there?” Veronica shivers, shifting uncomfortably. “Because I’d love to hear it.”

Her words hang in the air between them. Logan would love to hear another explanation as well.

“…It’s getting late,” he says eventually. He wonders if he should sleep out here, on the couch, but Veronica leads him wordlessly to the bedroom and they climb into bed together, still fully clothed. Logan’s beyond tired, but he worries he won’t be able to sleep with all the thoughts swirling through his head; soon enough, however, exhaustion weighs him down, and he drifts off into slumber.

~

Something wakes him a few hours later- he’s not sure what.

Groggily, he reaches out for Veronica, to reassure himself of her presence, but his questing hand finds nothing where his wife should be. Her side of the bed is empty, but still warm. “V’ronica?” he mumbles. There’s silence for a moment, then the faint sound of footsteps outside, in the living room.

Suddenly alert, Logan slips out of bed. Is that her? Did her symptoms make a resurgence? Has someone broken into the apartment? Or is she…?

Soundlessly easing the bedroom door open, Logan sees Veronica, trying to put her coat on as quietly as possible. She’s standing by the door, keys on the counter next to her.

“Going somewhere?”

His voice comes out very flat.

Veronica jumps at the sound of it and whirls around, her startled hand pressed to her chest. “Logan! You scared me.”

He doesn’t answer, letting the silence stretch.

“I just…” Veronica falters. “I wanted to get some air. I’ve been so cooped up this week.”

“...In the middle of the night.” It’s not a question; she wouldn’t need the car keys if she was just going to get some air. Either she’s sneaking out to break her sobriety, or she’s trying to leave him- in the dead of night, so he won’t notice or plead for her to stay. Logan can’t quite decide which option is worse.

Oh, who is he kidding? Any reality without her is infinitely worse than the ones with her here.

Veronica says nothing.

Everything inside him feels numb and disconnected, like he’s frozen at the core; there’s no point in dancing around the subject. “Were you going to get drunk? Or were you leaving me?”

The words come out dull and emotionless. If it’s the latter, would she even tell the truth? Or just wait until he’s asleep again and run, out of the apartment and out of his life forever?

If it’s the latter, he’s going to drop dead on the spot.

Veronica’s face breaks open. “Leaving you?” her voice cracks. “Logan- what? Of course not, why would you even ask that?”

“Now that you know,” he says dully. “What a monster I am.”

Sharp panic crosses her face at that, and she crosses the room to him in long strides, taking his face in her hands. “Logan, where is this coming from? You are _not a monster_.”

A humorless laugh bubbles up in his chest. “Not a monster? I’m not even human. What else do you call something that’s rotten and dead on the inside?”

Veronica shakes him a little, and he sways with the motion. “Logan, you’re scaring me. You’re not a monster or rotten or any of that stuff! This… having you back… it’s a miracle.”

He swallows. “Maybe before, when you thought I was still normal. Human. But now I’m just this disgusting freak of nature that shouldn’t even exist.”

Veronica starts to cry, gripping him so tightly it hurts a little. “Logan, please, stop saying that! I’m sorry I lied. I was leaving to buy alcohol and I was going to have a relapse, but I would never in a million years think something like that about you,” she pleads urgently. “Having you back in my life is what makes it worth living.”

Logan shakes his head wordlessly. It doesn’t feel real, what she’s saying, not when the creeping disgust and dread that’ve been slowly rising up within him this past week have finally been made physical. They’re seeping out through his skin, poisoning his blood- letting him know without a doubt that he doesn’t belong here anymore- doesn’t belong to the one place, the one person, that’s always made him feel at home. How can she not feel it too?

“You can’t mean that,” he finally croaks out, and she glares at him fiercely.

“Like hell I can’t!” Her lip wobbles, her face crumpling again as fresh tears make an appearance, tearing a hole through his heart.

“I just…” she shakes her head helplessly, more tears slipping out. “This past week, I’ve been telling myself that it’s not my fault you were gone. You’re alive, so the bomb didn’t kill you, and it doesn’t matter that I was too stupid to figure out a dumb limmerick or check the fucking backseat. But now… now that we know you were dead… it really is true again. I’m the one that killed you.” Veronica chokes on a sob, hand clasped helplessly over her mouth. She collapses to the floor like a puppet with her strings cut as she weeps. “I killed you.”

He stands frozen for a moment, then falls to his knees beside her. “Veronica, no. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it was,” she chokes out, sobbing so hard she can barely get the words out. “I k-killed you…” A wail of despair follows the words, chilling him to the bone with its hopelessness.

His pain means nothing in the face of her anguish. “I’m here, Veronica,” Logan reaches out hesitantly, offering comfort as he has so many times before. “I’m right here.”

Gently, he folds her into his arms, where she curls and clings, still crying so hard she can barely breathe. “I’m here,” he whispers. Like before, she settles at his touch, and the sound of his heartbeat and breathing help to calm her.

Even if he’s broken, even if he’s a freak, he can still hold Veronica. He can give her this, if nothing else.

It’s not only for Veronica’s benefit, though he feels guilty for taking comfort in her as well; it’s only sitting here in silence with her, feeling her warmth against him, that he truly realizes how upset he’d been- the dark wave of self-hatred that had risen up, sucking any remaining warmth and light away from him.

He still feels those things, the self-disgust and self-doubt, but less urgently now; he doesn’t feel like he’s five minutes away from sticking a gun in his mouth anymore.

Deep down, Logan knows it’s worrying how quickly his thoughts jumped to that as an option, even just a figure of speech. But even though he might not be thrilled with his resurrection, he couldn’t do that to Veronica.

_Hi, honey, I’m home… for about two weeks._

If she didn’t need him anymore, though… If she really did leave him… If she was lying to make him feel better, if she changed her mind…

That would truly break him. He can’t help but feel that in that circumstance, anything would be fair game.

Still, maybe he’s being selfish, hoping that she’ll stay. What kind of life can someone like him provide for her? How will society respond to him and others like him? God, what if he’s _dangerous_? She probably _would_ be better off just walking out the door, but could he ever let go of her?

As if she can sense his dark thoughts, Veronica tilts her head up to meet his gaze, searching his eyes. “I’m sorry, Logan,” she says, her voice scratchy from crying. “I know I don’t deserve you, I know I keep fucking up. But please don’t leave me. I just got you back.”

Logan can barely speak around the lump in his throat. “Leaving you is the last thing I want to do. But… I don’t know if I can give you what you need. I’m not the man I used to be… I don’t know _what_ I am.”

Veronica’s gaze sharpens at this. “You made me a promise- twice. You said you always would come back to me.”

“But I-”

“You’re my home, Logan, just like I’m yours. Are you really going to abandon me?”

Logan wavers. Her stare is clear, direct, challenging but not accusatory. She has faith in him- the thing he’d always wanted, just as desperately as he’d wanted her love. “…Of course not.”

He brushes a kiss to her brow, ghosting his mouth over her skin. Let Veronica decide what Veronica needs. If he’s undeserving, is that really so different from before? God knows she forgave more than anyone should have to when they were kids.

She presses a kiss to his lips in return, gentle and tender, then leans back against him, returning to their embrace. They’re still sitting in the doorway, on the floor, and maybe they should move somewhere more comfortable, like the bed or the couch, but the moment feels fragile- like disconnecting will tear them apart again.

They’re silent for a long time, Logan focusing on the sound of his wife’s breathing, her quiet inhales and exhales. Trying to accept her touch without feeling like a monster for it. After a while, her breath changes, like she’s trying to work up the nerve to speak.

“That night you asked me about, our six month anniversary, when I called you… I do remember what happened,” Veronica begins hesitantly as she sits up, pulling away from him. Her eyes are downcast as she fiddles with a loose thread on her sleeve.

“I got low… really low. I rented a motel room so my dad and the others wouldn’t bother me and just drank all day. And I started thinking about… about how it was my fault you were dead… and I would never see you again.”

She doesn’t speak for a long moment, tears dripping silently down her face. Logan wants to protest, but he’s afraid that if he interrupts, she won’t continue.

“I felt so awful and hopeless, I… I tried to end things. I mixed my booze with a bunch of sleeping pills.”

_Jesus fucking Christ Jesus fuck fuck fuck_

“But then… it sounds crazy, but I saw Lilly. I don’t really remember what she said- but she convinced me to make myself throw up the pills, and I think I passed out afterwards.

“I woke up around 12 hours later… it’s probably a miracle I didn’t die. But I’m so glad I didn’t. I can’t even imagine if you’d come back and I had… done something irreversible.”

Finally Logan comes unfrozen, crushing Veronica to his chest. “Jesus Christ, Ronica… Oh my god. I’m so glad you’re okay… Oh my fucking god.” He pulls back enough that he can look her in the eyes. “You can’t do that, you hear me? Nothing is worth your life. Even if I were gone… It would destroy me.”

“I won’t do it again,” she promises, cupping his face soothingly. “I don’t feel like that anymore.”

He takes in a few ragged breaths. “This is one of those things you’re going to have to talk to your therapist about. Make a crisis plan, whatever. I just… I can’t lose you, Veronica.”

Maybe he’s being a hypocrite, considering his thoughts tonight, but that’s something he can talk to his own therapist about. God, he needs a session with Jane.

“I can’t lose you either!” Veronica injects vehemently. “That’s the whole point.”

“Okay,” he whispers, kissing the back of her knuckles. “Okay. So I stick around and you stick around… and if, god forbid, something happens to one of us, the other one promises to go on living, no matter how hard it is.”

Veronica lets out a watery chuckle. “An anti-suicide pact?”

“Exactly.” He smirks weakly. “And talk to your new therapist about what happened, even if you really don’t think it’s an issue anymore.”

“And you won’t leave me ‘for my own good’?”

“Never,” he vows. “I made you a promise, didn’t I?”

“Then I promise, too,” she whispers, and they seal the bargain with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for thoughts of self-harm and suicide, and for discussion of a past suicide attempt
> 
> So this chapter was a bit of a doozy! But hey, at least now they know the truth and they've cleared the air a bit about what they're really thinking. This chapter was pretty angsty, but that's probably the darkest this story's going to get (emotionally at least). As always, I promise we're on our way to a LoVe happy ending!
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed and that you're staying safe out there.

**Author's Note:**

> Was originally going to be a one-shot, but I may expand on it if I'm struck with inspiration. Thanks for reading, commenting, and/or leaving kudos! I hope you enjoyed.


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